Somebody sent me this on facebook. Any time I try to write more than 38 characters on facebook, it usually crashes or tries to sell me auto insurance, so I will answer it here. Also, I am so bored of the book I am trying to write that I almost went and googled “writing prompts” which is always a waste of my time, like googling “android vs. iOS” and expecting something concrete. So here’s a bunch of answers to a bunch of dumb questions.
1. What time did you get up this morning?
4:40 AM, but then I reset my alarm to 5:59. In a perfect world, I would have written for those 74 minutes, but having a dream about selling a moped to Spiro Agnew in an alternate reality where Hulk Hogan was killed on the cross and every church had an effigy of Hulk on a cross was preferable to staring at a blank screen for 74 minutes.
2. How do you like your steak?
I like it the way the chef prepares it. I.e. I don’t like it with spit on it, so I leave him or her to decide how to cook it. Paying $75 for a steak and then requesting that it be overcooked is like buying a Prius and then bolting a giant fucking bike carrier on the roof that doubles the amount of wind drag.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
The Debt. It wasn’t bad. Any movie set in East Berlin has got my attention until it no longer deserves it.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
TV is dead, and the only thing I watch with any regularity are stupid reality TV shows about cooking, and I’m usually reading the web at the same time. The last show I really liked was this alternate history show that was on, although it was a pilot shot on like $37 and probably won’t get picked up.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
What is that saying about LA being nine different cities? There are at least two or three of them I would like. One of the ridiculously huge and esoteric beach houses in Playa Del Rey or one of those weird things on the canal in Venice.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
A bowl of fiber one raisin bran and a thing of fat-free yogurt.
7. What is your favorite ice cream?
That fake Mexican restaurant Chi-Chi’s used to have fried ice cream, and I always liked that. I went to a Mexican restaurant a couple of years ago in Daly City and ordered it, and they forgot to fry it, so it was a block of impossibly hard ice cream with the breaded coating on the outside.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Mushrooms, cauliflower, cilantro. Mushrooms because my childhood was filled with slimy, canned, Kroger mushrooms that taste like fermented rubber tire pieces; cauliflower because I have a memory of my aunt pressure-cooking a huge amount of it until the house smelled like fried ass; cilantro, I have a weird reaction to it and even the smell of it tastes like soap to me. I’ve heard this is genetic. It means eating Mexican food in northern California can be very hit-or-miss for me.
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
How many of these god damned questions are about food? Jesus christ, no wonder 114% of our population is obese.
10. Favorite dressing?
Field.
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A Toyota Yaris.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Jeans, t-shirt.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Mars. Antarctica.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
If you answer half full to this, either you are a goddamn liar, or you live in some rural part of Africa where there is no water.
15. Where would you want to retire?
I thought I answered this in #5. Or do people retire where they don’t want to live? That would explain Florida and Arizona.
16. Favorite time of day?
Right after work, right before this west-facing house turns into an oven.
17. Where were you born?
I should probably stop answering this question online before someone identity thieves themselves into my mortgage account.
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Baseball, although demolition derby is a close second.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I am not tagging anyone.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
See #19
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Ibid.
22. Bird watcher?
What?
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I used to be a night person, but I’ve become more of a morning person.
24. Do you have any pets?
Two cats, plus by proxy eleventy billion pets because of all of the animal shelters were dump money into.
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
I fucked your mother.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
A person who answers lists of questions.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Best as in what I remember the most, or the best thing that happened that I remember? I remember all of childhood pretty well, and I don’t really want to. My best memory is probably when I turned 18 and childhood ended.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat. Dogs are followers, but cats do not give a fuck, which I can appreciate.
29. Are you married?
Yes.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Only when I’m in a car.
31. Been in a car accident?
Yes.
32. Any pet peeves?
See also the last thousand entries in this blog.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Chunks of gold.
34. favorite flower?
What is the one they make opium out of?
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Subway.
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
None.
38. From whom did you get your last email?
printroom_support@printroom.com.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
The blank credit card store.
40. Have you done anything spontaneous lately?
Combusted.
41. Like your job?
It doesn’t involve food.
42. Broccoli?
I think broccoli was one of the first vegetables I really liked, although that was only because in Indiana, you can only get broccoli with two and a half pounds of cheese whiz on it.
43. What was your favorite vacation?
Hawaii is always good.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My wife, to this Thai restaurant called Summer Summer.
45. What are you listening to right now?
The Naked Lunch soundtrack.
46. What is your favorite color?
#FF3300
47. How many tattoos do you have?
Zero
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Zero
49. What time did you finish this quiz?
4:43
50. Coffee Drinker?
No.