Check out this book excerpt over at Horror Sleaze Trash

Ben and the other fine folks at Horror Sleaze Trash have published a short review and an excerpt of my book over on their site.

So check out my story, “Bearded Women Shitting On Glass Tables Is Sort Of My Thing” and read Ben John Smith’s review of the book here:

Of course you should check out the whole book at its page here.

And you should also probably check out Ben’s book, same name as the web site, here.

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I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke

I’d like to buy the world a Coke.

The Coke will contain High Fructose Corn Syrup, and will be packaged in plastic bottles.

There will not be any Pepsi provided.  Also, no Diet Coke, Coke Light, Mexican Coke, Coke Zero, or any other Coca-Cola products, like Sprite or Fanta.

You must drink your Coke.  This is not an option.

This will start a massive, three-front war, between all of the people who love Coca-Cola more than they love Jesus, the people who think HFCS is worse than napalming babies and having sex with the corpses, and those who have an enduring loyalty to all things Pepsi.

Instead of hippies singing on a mountain top, there will be street fighting, widespread genocide, and the complete collapse of the world economic system.  People will storm military installations, steal jets and helicopters, and drive tanks through cities, shooting depleted uranium shells through buildings to take out enemies.  The whole thing will basically be like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie without all of the product placement for Taco Bell.

The added sugar and acid content will cause the sewer systems of the world to explode, basically like flushing six billion toilets at the same time.  The phosphoric acid will etch away the concrete and metal of the entire planet’s plumbing infrastructure, causing water supplies to fail.  Bacterial infection, sanitary downfall, and drug-resistant viruses will run rampant.

I’ll be hiding in my heavily armed bunker in an undisclosed location in the Colorado mountains.  When the world is beaten and fucked, I’ll contact the aliens and the members of my UFO cult so we can leave behind the waste of this planet.  Also, we’ll bring along enough Coke so we can program their replicators and enjoy intravenous Coke refreshment during the anal probes on our journey to Arcturus X24-7.

That’s the real thing.

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Art By Focus Group: my new idea for an art installation

This is my idea for a new art installation:

  1. Set up a focus group.  I know there are places that do this, where they pay people some amount of money to sit around and tell you how they feel about a bank’s new stupid ad.  I used to do them in LA when I didn’t have a job, and it was a good way to make $100 cash plus as many cookies as you could cram in your mouth from a snack tray.
  2. Lock everyone in a room for 12 hours.
  3. The room has food, and bathrooms.  (Maybe a good deli tray, some various sandwiches, or box lunches. Also cookies.  Maybe some chili or indian food, too.)
  4. Each person in the focus group has one of those dial things where they spin it one way or the other if they like or hate something.
  5. Show the people 12 hours of slides of various art installations.  Also mix in other random slides, like pictures of Julia Roberts or Khmer Rouge death camps.
  6. Allow people to break every hour to eat more sandwiches or use the restrooms.
  7. Wire up the restrooms so that the output from all of the toilets is actually diverted into some kind of portable septic tank.
  8. Also record all audio from the rest rooms.
  9. Discard all voting results from the focus group.
  10. Put all of the urine and feces from the restroom into mason jars.
  11. For the installation itself, have a large white room with white pedestals around the perimeter.  On top of each pedestal, put a jar filled with either urine or feces.  Broadcast a continuous loop of the bathroom sounds.  The title of this is “ART BY FOCUS GROUP (2013) Urine, Feces, audio.”

If you know of any grants that will pay me money to do this, please contact me.

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Eye of the chicken

I am so goddamn bored.

I get like this when I finish a book.  I thought it was depression, but it’s not. It’s boredom.  I am 30,000 words into the next book, but it’s just a collection of short vignettes, with no story or bones or structure behind it, so trying to read it right now would be like trying to eat a bag of sugar.

I wish I could find some web site that interested me, instead of just fucking off on Facebook and reading wikipedia entries on drone warfare.

Anyway, here is a big bulleted list of updates.

  • Thunderbird is getting some good reviews on Goodreads.  Click here and go read them.  Then go buy the book.  Then tell all of your friends to buy the book.
  • One of the reviews said I should make a calendar that has 365 bits from the stories on them so you could read them every day, which is not a half bad idea.
  • I actually was thinking that I should take all of these vignettes and edit them so they would each fit on a Magic the Gathering-sized card.  Then you would buy a deck of 68 or whatever, and you could shuffle up the cards and read them in whatever order.  Or something.
  • I have been trying to write more Amazon reviews.  Go here and read them.  And click the like buttons.  And if you want me to review your stuff, drop me a line.
  • My PS3 died for the third time, and I finally gave up on it and bought a new one.  I got one of those super-slims and it came with the race car game and some game where a guy shoots lightning bolts out of his hands which was fairly asinine.
  • The race car game, when I started it up, said it had to update and then downloaded 12 pieces that were seriously like a gigabyte total, then said it had to install to the drive and that took another hour.  Seriously, at that point, don’t even give me a goddamn game disk and just say the whole thing is online.
  • Because the new PS3 does not play PS2 games, I sold a bunch of my old games online for like a dollar each, because it was too depressing to just have them around the house, and I’m trying to not be a hoarder.
  • I somehow did something to my right arm, and it feels sprained.  I also lean on that arm a lot, like on my mouse, so it’s all fucked up.  I bought one of those RSI braces at the drug store and I am not playing bass for a few days to try and give it a rest.
  • I think I am going to Maui in October, so if you have any ideas on what to do in Maui that doesn’t involve camping or having to shit outside, let me know.  Optimally, I would like to find a place that lets you shoot machine guns out of helicopters, but I think that’s only legal in Texas.
  • I found these caffeinated jelly beans and ordered a case of them and really wish I would not have.
  • I am reading the patient information pamphlet for my allergy nose spray, and Epistaxis would be an awesome name for a death metal band.

That’s all for now.


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