Dispatches, thoughts, and miscellanea from writer Jon Konrath

  • Look at my knees! Look at my knees!

    First things first: go to The Lit Pub and read this review of Thunderbird:

    http://thelitpub.com/featured-books/thunderbird-flash-stories/

    I am still working on two projects, switching back and forth when one gets to be too much. One is just starting, and the other is getting close to 100,000 words, but is still very vague in its overall structure.  That’s keeping me busy, but it’s also taking all of my time, which is why I haven’t been updating much.

    I have been obsessed with the movie Eraserhead for the last few days.  This started because I went to Amoeba records this weekend, which is my favorite record store, although I usually associate the name with their big store in Hollywood, because it is the record store in LA.  I don’t go record shopping anymore, and buy everything from iTunes, which I don’t tell musicians, because that’s sort of like telling old people about Obama.  But I used to love going to record stores, and walking the racks from A to Z, looking for stuff I hadn’t seen elsewhere, rarities and imports and bootlegs and whatever other oddball stuff I could find in the wild.  And Amoeba is a cool store, a wide selection with a lot of unique stuff and a cool staff, so I grabbed a few things I hadn’t seen lately.

    One of the things was the soundtrack to Eraserhead, which is this twisted combination of ambient noise, wind sounds and radiator hissing and layer after layer of dialogue and dirge and destruction.  It’s the perfect writing music, because it’s ambient, but isn’t new-agey and won’t put you to sleep.  The only problem with it is that it pulls me down this rabbit hole where I need to watch the movie again, need to read all of these articles and interviews and find out what was in Lynch’s head as he put this whole thing together, and it’s an unanswerable question.  I can’t even find the real script, which is some 20-page oddity, a prose poem with weird drawings all over it.  But I find too many articles about the movie, and they keep me diving through the internet, coming up with more questions.

    One of the things I wonder about with Eraserhead is if it’s possible to write such a minimalist surreal work in print.  My writing tends to be the opposite, long sentences with lots of twists and turns and terminology, very manic and frenetic.  I don’t even know if I could write something so subdued.  But I wonder if it would even work without the film element or the soundtrack, just the text itself.

    Music makes me think the same thing, because I listen to a lot of drone music, stuff like Boris or Sleep, where the same riff or guitar feedback is sustained or repeated over and over, building this long-form sonic texture.  I don’t know the literary equivalent of doing that, because if I just repeated the same text over and over, it would get stupid fast.

    Nothing else to report.  I’m trying to cram in as much writing as possible before a flurry of appointments and travel and other distractions come up in the next couple of months.  I’m also getting close to the book purchase lockdown that I have to enact before the holidays so I don’t buy duplicates of gifts.  That means I’m buying too many things now, and I have a stack of reading taller than me.  What about you?

  • My Daily Carry

    Everyone else on various gadget and tech sites has been doing this lately, so I thought I would, too.  Here’s a picture and explanation of every item I carry in my pockets on a daily basis:

    The items are:

    1. Serrated bread knife.
    2. Soaring Society of America glider pilot flight log.
    3. Butcher knife.
    4. $250 in Confederate currency.
    5. Auvi-Q epinephrine injector.
    6. Business cards.
    7. West German circa-1980s analog metronome.
    8. LensCrafters wet glasses cleaners.
    9. 50,000 Saddam-era Iraqi Dinar.
    10. Proventil inhaler.
    11. WikiReader portable offline Wikipedia browser.
    12. $800 US cash in $20 bills.
    13. Glover Pocket Ref reference manual.
    14. Keys to house, two cars, storage locker; garage remote; loyalty keychains for Panera, Borders, Ralph’s, CVS, Subaru roadside assistance.  (I do not live near Ralph’s or own a Subaru.  I’m lazy and don’t want to split my fingernails apart removing old ones.)
    15. US Passport.
    16. CRKT anti-shark dive knife.
    17. Moleskine notebook and pen.
    18. Cough drops.
    19. iPhone 4S.
    20. Big Skinny Wallet containing driver’s license, credit cards, $1000 US cash.
    21. Kleenex.
    22. Microfiber.
  • Randy Orton and the Loins of Passion

    It is time for another bulleted-list update.

    • I was recently so bored that I rewrote the first three pages of an erotic story, retitled it as “Randy Orton and the Loins of Passion” and submitted it to a small press for consideration.  The story was an erotic coming-of-age tale involving Randy Orton, his father Cowboy Bob Orton, and Roddy Piper.  It was not picked up, so I will cease writing homosexual incestual WWE-related pornography and go back to my usual work.
    • Speaking of which, Ryan Werner mentioned me in this essay he wrote a bit ago about starting said small press, going on tour, and working as a janitor.  Read it here.
    • I am 83,477 words into a book and still do not know what it’s about.  It may actually get split into a couple of things.  It is 200-some pieces of flash fiction, and maybe could end up similar to Rumored to Exist, but it may take a while to get there.
    • I never knew this, but Jackson Pollock was allegedly decapitated in the car accident that killed him.  I’d like to think the interior of the car looked like one of his paintings after the incident, but that’s just wishful thinking.
    • Having just one hobby that I am no good at that makes me constantly want to spend thousands of dollars on new gear instead of practice to increase my skill (bass guitar) is not enough, so I have been doing down a k-hole with photography.  I am intent on learning WTF the difference between aperture and shutter speed is (I think I know now) and I’m trying to stop using the automatic mode on my camera.  I’m also trying to not spend any money on new gear.  I haven’t taken any phenomenal pictures I’ve posted online lately, but my flickr page is the home of all shots I have snapped.
    • Here is a new thing to obsess over: http://www.kernelmag.com/features/report/4716/a-russian-enigma/
    • One sister-in-law was here for about a week, so we got to go to all kinds of places we only go when people visit us, like the Pacific Science Center and the Oakland Museum (pics).  Unlike her last visit, we did not have a blackout, did not have a closet collapse, and did not go to see a Jackass movie, but otherwise it was cool.
    • We babysat the 18-month-old twins overnight for the other sister-in-law last weekend.  Even more miraculous than the ease of this operation was the fact that not one person mommyjacked my status update on facebook to ask me when I was going to have kids.
    • Joel-Peter Witkin created, among other things, the photo used for the Pungent Stench album Been Caught Buttering. Witkin claims that his vision and sensibility spring from an episode he witnessed as a young child, an automobile accident in front of his house in which a little girl was decapitated:

      It happened on a Sunday when my mother was escorting my twin brother and me down the steps of the tenement where we lived. We were going to church. While walking down the hallway to the entrance of the building, we heard an incredible crash mixed with screaming and cries for help. The accident involved three cars, all with families in them. Somehow, in the confusion, I was no longer holding my mother’s hand. At the place where I stood at the curb, I could see something rolling from one of the overturned cars. It stopped at the curb where I stood. It was the head of a little girl. I bent down to touch the face, to speak to it — but before I could touch it someone carried me away”.

    • We’re going to Maui in October.  I have never been to that island, although I really liked both of my trips to Oahu.  (2003 pics, 2005 pics)
    • Thunderbird is still available and you should buy it.
    • I believe the 2015 convention for my UFO cult will be in the Bahamas, so please contact me for details.

     

  • Capillary dilation of the so-called blush response

    I went to the farmer’s market in Berkeley.  Farmer’s markets are strange, because the places that have the most farmers generally don’t have farmer’s markets.  I grew up in a state where every other person around me was a farmer, and they barely had vegetables. I think attempting to open a farmer’s market in my home town would get you thrown in prison for being a communist.

    Berkeley can be weird sometimes.  I think they’re the only city that banned nuclear weapons.  And they changed the name of Columbus Day to “Indigenous Peoples Day” or something like that.  I don’t give a shit either way, it’s just sometimes a bit much.

    So next to the locally sourced organic vegan lard tent, there was an empathy booth.  I don’t know if it cost money or not, but it said something about the people there listening to anything you told them, without judgment or offering any advice.

    My thought was that I should go up to them and lay some heavy trip on them, to see what it would take for them to crack.  You know, like “I’ve got this dude chained to the furnace in my basement.  We’ve been waterboarding him for hours, but I’m thinking about cutting his head off now.  It just makes more sense.  I’m trying to find a Wal-Mart around here to buy a chainsaw, but I’m not having much luck.  Maybe I’ll just use a butcher knife. Is that knife sharpening dude here today?”

    But I really needed a diet coke.  The closest thing I could find to diet coke was a place selling some kind of locally-brewed kombucha, so I left.

  • A history of Rumored to Exist, by RCS checkin comments, without commentary

    When I wrote Rumored to Exist, I used RCS, a source control system that used to be popular for unix.  (Since then, the cool kids have gone to using CVS, then Subversion, then Git.)

    Each time I checked in a file, I left a little comment.  Here’s a log of those comments, in reverse chronological order.  (Note that I started using RCS about three years into the writing of the book, so everything before that was not recorded.)

    RCS file: RCS/rumor-current.txt,v
     Working file: rumor-current.txt
     head: 7.10
     branch:
     locks: strict
     jkonrath: 7.10
     access list:
     symbolic names:
     keyword substitution: kv
     total revisions: 54; selected revisions: 54
     description:
     Rumored to Exist main book
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.10 locked by: jkonrath;
     date: 2002/06/09 16:01:14; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +9 -6
     OK, I'm taking it over to Word. Wish me luck...
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.9
     date: 2002/06/08 03:23:29; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +644 -545
     No flags! A complete draft, and I just checked spelling, but it needs
     more work...
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.8
     date: 2002/06/01 22:17:12; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +272 -260
     This is the finish of a paper draft. Lots of corrections...
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.7
     date: 2002/05/29 03:31:44; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +1345 -934
     More changes, after going through a half paper draft.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.6
     date: 2001/12/24 04:36:04; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +493 -482
     This includes comments and corrections from a paper draft edit that
     slowly took place over november and december, I think.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.5
     date: 2001/12/23 05:16:11; author: jkonrath; state: Exp; lines: +584 -429
     Moving to a new machine, and there may be some editing cruft in there, too.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.4
     date: 2001/09/26 20:51:32; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1370 -1444
     Just thinking checking in would be a good idea. No logic behind it tho.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.3
     date: 2001/09/07 03:41:30; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +170 -322
     Removed a couple of dead ones, did some merges on three sets of them.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.2
     date: 2001/09/03 04:50:30; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +203 -195
     This has all of Marie's edits, plus a spellcheck, and some comments.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.1
     date: 2001/07/29 05:04:33; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +509 -455
     Changes from paper edits on 7.0. Includes some comments.
     ----------------------------
     revision 7.0
     date: 2001/07/05 20:53:40; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +2 -2
     Bumping up to draft 7 in rcs.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.32
     date: 2001/07/05 20:17:29; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +504 -38
     Aah, no comments. Close to the finish? Probably not.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.31
     date: 2001/05/24 02:06:22; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +391 -419
     Another check-in, with most of the comments fixed, and just a bunch
     of vacant stuff and ordering issues to be done before this draft
     is wrapped up.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.30
     date: 2001/05/20 01:36:35; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +327 -529
     I cut out about 4 or 5 things, pushes this below 80K, but makes it much
     better. Now I need to start writing more new stuff.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.29
     date: 2001/05/10 04:08:50; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +777 -750
     This is the version recovered from a PDB file.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.28
     date: 2001/05/10 04:08:06; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +397 -474
     This is a messup from a crash.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.27
     date: 2001/02/25 06:23:10; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +452 -379
     The rest of the paper draft in there.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.26
     date: 2001/02/25 00:38:17; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +131 -107
     The beginning of comments on a paper draft - 0-38.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.25
     date: 2000/12/18 02:09:15; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +861 -855
     Another reorg, spelling.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.24
     date: 2000/12/08 23:17:56; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +401 -488
     Another paper draft....
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.23
     date: 2000/11/25 04:50:27; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1223 -1394
     A bunch of stuff done, holding at 200...
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.22
     date: 2000/11/09 03:51:40; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +213 -144
     I just entered a ton of comments from a paper edit. No real new stuff
     though.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.21
     date: 2000/10/26 02:56:56; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +473 -510
     A quick checkin with comments from a 9/20 paper draft. No real changes
     in content, though. I'm going to start moving things, hence this.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.20
     date: 2000/10/16 21:05:32; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +548 -24
     206, 83K
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.19
     date: 2000/09/16 15:44:09; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1010 -490
     Almost 78K, 0-192, 75% there. This also includes all of the edits on a
     paper draft from about a month ago, including tons of comments on ordering
     and stuff I don't like anymore.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.18
     date: 2000/08/22 21:16:54; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +438 -14
     72812, 180. Checking in just because.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.17
     date: 2000/07/31 16:40:47; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +476 -174
     I feel a great need to check in. 0-168, almost 69K.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.16
     date: 2000/05/26 17:21:28; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +99 -16
     Just making sure everything is cool here.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.15
     date: 2000/03/17 05:31:21; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +22 -46
     blah.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.14
     date: 2000/03/02 17:57:50; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +170 -7
     I haven't been doing anything for a long time. 65K, 161?
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.13
     date: 2000/01/26 16:10:30; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +301 -54
     I'm above 63K, but it's going slow. Just wanted to ci and get
     something in for the new year.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.12
     date: 1999/12/21 04:58:46; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +372 -278
     The first checkin at the place in Astoria. No idea what's here - it
     has been almost a month since I did any work. Maybe it will pick
     up soon? At 61K now.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.11
     date: 1999/11/20 04:15:04; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +236 -7
     Lots more - broke 60K, 148.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.10
     date: 1999/11/16 18:59:04; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +179 -11
     I'm slowly doing some work - 142/57658. Staying home sick today, hoping
     to hit 60K someday.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.9
     date: 1999/11/11 02:21:44; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +115 -3
     Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.8
     date: 1999/11/06 18:09:16; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +76 -1
     Almost 55K words. Not much new here, but I should be checking in
     as much as possible since I'm moving between 2 machines.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.7
     date: 1999/10/27 03:09:24; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +154 -2
     54K, 133 done. Just checking in to be on the safe side. I'm
     shuffling stuff back and forth to write at work, and you never know.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.6
     date: 1999/10/24 16:13:48; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +174 -57
     Mostly checking if the log message works, a couple of new things.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.5
     date: 1999/10/17 16:55:39; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +557 -1
     I haven't even looked at this in months - started my new job at juno
     and all - i am checking in before i start to fuck with anything,
     just in case there are changes - actually, i think i stopped right at
     the halfway mark, so there are some new things.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.4
     date: 1999/08/16 22:14:08; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1265 -18
     Approaching the halfway mark, running out of steam. i just wrote
     the same comment for the seattle checkin, too.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.3
     date: 1999/07/31 00:22:54; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +794 -89
     Slow month. Given up on the annotations. Up to 82 now, still
     chugging along on it.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.2
     date: 1999/06/30 01:03:31; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +215 -0
     Here's 0-63 (well, no 0), but they still need a once-over.
     This is where I will start messing with annotations.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.1
     date: 1999/06/29 06:44:34; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +538 -9
     Here's a checkin with what I decided to keep plus some salvaged stuff.
     ----------------------------
     revision 2.0
     date: 1999/06/19 02:22:08; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +73 -4660
     Here's the first major cut and dice. not much left!
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.10
     date: 1999/06/18 20:30:02; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +41 -7
     This is the first checkin of the sixth draft, aka the "New York" draft
     In a second, I will blank this out, and start clean. I've got another
     copy called the Seattle Draft, and I'll hand-pick the stuff I like
     and put it back in here. Right?
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.9
     date: 1999/06/11 22:09:58; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +264 -13
     I'm in New York, so I should check in.
     This is up to 159, maybe 63K words. Still many comments, and
     a few new pieces.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.8
     date: 1999/01/31 10:51:49; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +148 -59
     above 150 now. they all suck, though.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.7
     date: 1999/01/28 05:51:01; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +537 -36
     60,000 words, motherfucker.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.6
     date: 1999/01/12 05:15:53; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1045 -649
     Contains a single pass of commenting on the first half, Marie's
     comments integrated (mostly), and a few new ones that pretty
     much suck.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.5
     date: 1998/10/26 06:03:21; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +732 -29
     0-127 (I hope)
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.4
     date: 1998/08/04 03:39:49; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +73 -1
     eating white castle, checking in shit.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.3
     date: 1998/07/31 03:41:47; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +74 -2
     more junk for the peanut gallery.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.2
     date: 1998/07/26 22:02:31; author: root; state: Exp; lines: +1 -0
     this is a test of rcs - i hope it works.
     ----------------------------
     revision 1.1
     date: 1998/07/26 21:05:55; author: root; state: Exp;
     Initial revision
     =============================================================================
  • Noncompliance to ASTM F 899-12 Standard

    I am now 58,000 words into a book that has absolutely no structure, no plot, and for the most part, no characters.  It is basically 226 nightmares and dream sequences back-to-back in no real order.  (In comparison, Thunderbird was 38,844 words.)  Part of me wants to come up with an overarching story that links these pieces together.  Or maybe I should not use this structure and stitch together the pieces into longer stories.  A big part of me just wants to publish it as-is and Captain Beefheart it, and people can either like it or hate it.  I think it would be awesome to just do that three times a year for the next twenty years, but it might get old fast.

    (Dream last night:  I was in London for an extended vacation of some sort.  I found a loophole in the unemployment law that would enable anyone who spoke English, even if just on vacation, to collect unemployment.  The problem was that the unemployment office was in a basement, and legislators had removed the door, so you had to climb through the window.  While looking for a way to spend my Dole money, I went to a huge department store and really wanted to buy a bass guitar.  I kept seeing people carrying them or playing them, but could not find them in the store.  Then I started wondering if the bass guitars in the UK were the same as the US, or if the strings would be upside-down.)

    There’s still that part of my brain that is begging for the release of dopamine from the completion of some amount of straight fiction.  I just finished reading that Junot Diaz book The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and I really loved how he described Washington Heights.  I mean, the book was much deeper than just a novella about Dominicans running around and screwing each other, but the language of it made me think about writing something other than a guy taking a dump on a roulette wheel at Circus Circus, or whatever it is I’ve been writing lately.

    There are two things that have happened that have made me think about the past in a strange and opaque way, and that’s what itches me about this straight writing thing.

    One, I got a leak of the new Carcass album, Surgical Steel.  (Thanks to Ray for the hookup on this.)  I don’t really listen to death metal anymore, and certainly don’t keep up with news on it, but for whatever reason, I was curious about his, and it turns out my suspicions were correct on it.  It’s an excellent album, and sounds like they went into the studio in 1993 and recorded another album as perfect as their Tools of the Trade EP.  It’s amazing that they didn’t fuck this up and insert all kinds of nu metal or have a dubstep remix or, even worse, do what metal bands usually do after a twenty year hiatus and release a SSDD polished turd of exactly what they used to do in the 80s or 90s. It’s a perfect progression from what they did before, unique, and yet with a slightly haunting and familiar sound to some of the melodies.

    I was a huge fan of their 1991 album Necroticism – Descanting the Insalubrious and probably mentioned it a thousand times within Summer Rain, because I listened to it ten thousand times in the summer of 1992, and then constantly put it in the player when I needed to teleport back to that time during the book’s writing.  I have so many memories of that summer that are directly tied to that 48 minutes of music, because I used to open my radio show with it every week, and kept it in my CD deck constantly.

    So when I hear a new album that still invokes some ghost of that album, in the tone or the melodies or whatever it is that makes the two similar, it pulls me back to that time and to my old book and makes me wonder if there’s some other writing left in that era.  There’s a part of me that wants to do some Summer Rain 2 that either takes place right before or right after that book, or maybe takes place twenty years later when the protagonist goes back to a 2012 Indiana that’s not doing very rosy and the state of the economy and the world and the experience of hitting 40 and being at that fork in the road somehow echoes what happened in 1992 when I (and/or that character) was at a different fork in the road.  I know SR was rough, and I got unending shit because the book was “long” but it’s something that sometimes pulls me back in that direction.  And it’s not helpful that I have an almost complete but nowhere near finished book of stories that take place around the same time that’s sitting on the hard drive that will probably never see the light of day.

    Here’s the other thing.  My allergies are bad now.  We’re talking attack-bad, give-me-more-steroids-than-ARod bad.  And so I went to the hardware store and bought a respirator mask, like you’d wear when you’re tearing down mold-infected drywall, and I started wearing that in the house today, just to see if it would help.  (It did, but it was so goddamn hot, I had to take it back off.)

    There is something in those masks, some smell in the filter that is so distinct.  I haven’t thought about it in 25 years, but pulling air through that N95 filter and into my nose gave it such a distinct odor, the smell of surgical gauze and sterile supplies, it immediately teleported me back to the last time I wore respiratory equipment regularly, which was when I was 16 and working on my first car all the time.  I’ve talked about it too much before, but I had this old beaten Camaro, and even before I could drive, I spent all of my time and money sanding away rust and beating on metal with hammers and painting it back up with krylon rattle-cans.

    I spent so much time back then wrenching on that car, and it was a piece of shit, but it was my piece of shit and it symbolized this additional freedom that gave me the ability to leave my house and branch out of my limited social strata and just point it in any random direction and feel the rumble of a V-8 for a twenty-minute side of a tape, until it auto-reversed and flipped sides and I changed directions and drove back.

    I spent summers and weekends wearing this dust filter, a blue rubberized plastic thing that cupped over my nose and mouth and contained some kind of treated cotton or fiber inside of it that got replaced every time it became caked with paint and plastic dust.  The smell of that filter is the same as the smell of this filter, and it immediately reminds me of sanding down body filler and mixing together more bondo to squeegee into cracks and paint with more primer.  Everyone else in my high school turned 16 and magically had a car appear in their driveway, usually a brand new 5.0 Mustang.  I didn’t, and that’s why I spent time in junkyards looking for new sheet metal on the cheap, and trying to break rusted bolts and sand compound curves in my garage while listening to Grim Reaper and Megadeth on a jambox.

    So that makes me think of that time in the 80s, the struggle of being a nerd when being a nerd wasn’t cool, being poor in a school where being poor wasn’t cool, driving a Chevy when driving a Ford was cool.  I wrote a book about that too, sitting on the virtual shelf, probably not to be released.  I always think about jumping back into that one, but the writing in it makes me cringe.  When I was in Mexico in 2009, I was sitting in a hammock every morning, staring at the ocean and busting my ass trying to turn out that book.  It’s hurried writing and painful to read now, but if I had infinite time, I’d beat it into shape.

    Of course, I don’t have infinite time.  This is why I never post here – I need to be writing.  Gotta get back to it.

     

  • Art By Focus Group: my new idea for an art installation

    This is my idea for a new art installation:

    1. Set up a focus group.  I know there are places that do this, where they pay people some amount of money to sit around and tell you how they feel about a bank’s new stupid ad.  I used to do them in LA when I didn’t have a job, and it was a good way to make $100 cash plus as many cookies as you could cram in your mouth from a snack tray.
    2. Lock everyone in a room for 12 hours.
    3. The room has food, and bathrooms.  (Maybe a good deli tray, some various sandwiches, or box lunches. Also cookies.  Maybe some chili or indian food, too.)
    4. Each person in the focus group has one of those dial things where they spin it one way or the other if they like or hate something.
    5. Show the people 12 hours of slides of various art installations.  Also mix in other random slides, like pictures of Julia Roberts or Khmer Rouge death camps.
    6. Allow people to break every hour to eat more sandwiches or use the restrooms.
    7. Wire up the restrooms so that the output from all of the toilets is actually diverted into some kind of portable septic tank.
    8. Also record all audio from the rest rooms.
    9. Discard all voting results from the focus group.
    10. Put all of the urine and feces from the restroom into mason jars.
    11. For the installation itself, have a large white room with white pedestals around the perimeter.  On top of each pedestal, put a jar filled with either urine or feces.  Broadcast a continuous loop of the bathroom sounds.  The title of this is “ART BY FOCUS GROUP (2013) Urine, Feces, audio.”

    If you know of any grants that will pay me money to do this, please contact me.

  • Eye of the chicken

    I am so goddamn bored.

    I get like this when I finish a book.  I thought it was depression, but it’s not. It’s boredom.  I am 30,000 words into the next book, but it’s just a collection of short vignettes, with no story or bones or structure behind it, so trying to read it right now would be like trying to eat a bag of sugar.

    I wish I could find some web site that interested me, instead of just fucking off on Facebook and reading wikipedia entries on drone warfare.

    Anyway, here is a big bulleted list of updates.

    • Thunderbird is getting some good reviews on Goodreads.  Click here and go read them.  Then go buy the book.  Then tell all of your friends to buy the book.
    • One of the reviews said I should make a calendar that has 365 bits from the stories on them so you could read them every day, which is not a half bad idea.
    • I actually was thinking that I should take all of these vignettes and edit them so they would each fit on a Magic the Gathering-sized card.  Then you would buy a deck of 68 or whatever, and you could shuffle up the cards and read them in whatever order.  Or something.
    • I have been trying to write more Amazon reviews.  Go here and read them.  And click the like buttons.  And if you want me to review your stuff, drop me a line.
    • My PS3 died for the third time, and I finally gave up on it and bought a new one.  I got one of those super-slims and it came with the race car game and some game where a guy shoots lightning bolts out of his hands which was fairly asinine.
    • The race car game, when I started it up, said it had to update and then downloaded 12 pieces that were seriously like a gigabyte total, then said it had to install to the drive and that took another hour.  Seriously, at that point, don’t even give me a goddamn game disk and just say the whole thing is online.
    • Because the new PS3 does not play PS2 games, I sold a bunch of my old games online for like a dollar each, because it was too depressing to just have them around the house, and I’m trying to not be a hoarder.
    • I somehow did something to my right arm, and it feels sprained.  I also lean on that arm a lot, like on my mouse, so it’s all fucked up.  I bought one of those RSI braces at the drug store and I am not playing bass for a few days to try and give it a rest.
    • I think I am going to Maui in October, so if you have any ideas on what to do in Maui that doesn’t involve camping or having to shit outside, let me know.  Optimally, I would like to find a place that lets you shoot machine guns out of helicopters, but I think that’s only legal in Texas.
    • I found these caffeinated jelly beans and ordered a case of them and really wish I would not have.
    • I am reading the patient information pamphlet for my allergy nose spray, and Epistaxis would be an awesome name for a death metal band.

    That’s all for now.

     

  • Blast from the past: Morgenstern’s

    Here is a receipt I found recently:

    Morgenstern’s was an interesting book store in Bloomington that came and went in the 90s, but was pretty central to my experience at IU.  I don’t remember exactly when they opened, but it must have been around 1991 or so.  There were no big box book stores then, aside from the Walden’s in the mall.  The town had no shortage of used book stores filled with old books dumped by students in need of ramen or beer money, and I spent many hours digging through them for anything interesting, but Morgenstern’s was where I went to score the latest new stuff.

    I never read or collected that many books prior to becoming a writer, but I still went to Morgenstern’s to look at computer books.  They were the only place in town other than the IU bookstore with a solid collection of all of the latest O’Reilly stuff, so that’s where I went to ogle all of the C++ and Perl books.  They also had a full newsstand with a lot of obscure zines, so when the zine bubble was happening in the early 90s, that was the place to grab Factsheet 5 and all of the other rarities.

    Once I did start writing, all of my obsessions came out of this place.  Between 1993 and 1995, I bought pretty much every Orwell book; every major Henry Miller title; almost all of the Vonnegut books in one quick swoop; and I bought my first Bukowski there.  I got going on Douglas Coupland and Henry Rollins, too.  They had a punch card system, where you got I think a punch for every ten bucks, and if you got ten or twelve punches, you got a free book, so any time I had spare cash, I’d walk out there and try to do as much damage as possible to those little pink cards and earn some freebies.

    Morgenstern’s was in this strip mall just east of the main College Mall, a place that also held a laundromat, a Service Merchandise, and a couple of other stores.  There was a cheap Chinese place there (Grasshoppers, maybe?) and many times, I’d buy a couple of magazines, and then get some fake Sweet and Sour chicken and sit down to read.  They also had a Long John Silver’s, which served a similar purpose.  Morgenstern’s had its own big comfy leather chairs and coffee bar, so you could also crash out there and page through books, which was somewhat of a novelty at the time.

    I vaguely remember this 1995 trip to the store, although I vividly remember the weekend.  My friend Larry Falli had graduated, skipped town, and left me his apartment for the rest of the month, as a place to write or crash or whatever.  I bought those two books on Friday night, and stayed up all night reading Shampoo Planet by Douglas Coupland, and liked it enough that I wanted to go get a copy of Generation X.  I went to bed right before daylight, woke up at lunch, and jumped in my car to go back to the mall and grab a copy, but a few blocks away, my car inexplicably died.  I had to get it towed to this auto place out by the mall, and it turns out the timing belt had snapped, and they had to keep it a day or so to put a new one on.  So I walked over to Morgenstern’s, got a copy of Generation X, then went to Larry’s unfurnished and vacant apartment, and sat on the floor of the living room with a bag of takeout from somewhere, reading the Coupland book and writing in a notebook.  I then walked the three miles back to my place and got started on the Orwell I’d bought the night before.

    A month and change later, I flew out to Seattle, got a job, then flew back, packed up a U-Haul, and left Bloomington.  Not long after that, Borders put in a store right next to Morgenstern’s, and Barnes and Noble built a megastore just across the street.  And not long after that, Morgenstern’s was having their big everything must go sale.  And now the Borders is gone, and I’m sure the B&N does slow business selling lap desks, bookmarks, and the occasional 50 shades book.

    I still find these receipts tucked into books, though.  And I’ve got a few titles on the shelves that still have their dot matrix-printed UPC stickers on the back corners.  I even have a punch card with two punches on it, which will never get filled.  It’s a bittersweet end to this old place.

  • LA Weekend

    I had an unexpected trip to LA last weekend.  It wasn’t unexpected as in bad; S had a Monday work thing at the last second, and she extended it and I tagged along, leaving Friday after work and coming back Sunday morning.  I always like to go to LA, although the trips are always far too short, and it always leaves me with that hollow feeling that maybe I should have stayed there instead of moving up north.

    Anyway, we stayed in Long Beach this time, a new one for me.  I think I went to Long Beach once when we lived down there, on a trip to bring the Subaru to the dealership for maintenance, and that was way the hell north, up by the Long Beach airport, and not really in the city proper.  The actual city, on the water, reminds me a lot of San Diego.  It has the same kind of modern openness to it, a downtown that’s been scrubbed clean and revitalized, the new businesses poking through in the main drag of older buildings.  Our hotel sat by the water, among this strip of chain big-box restaurants and carnival rides and roller coasters, a fairly sterile convention center vibe.  Outside our window, a massive Indian wedding happened Saturday morning, the whole nine with the saris and the white horse and everything.  Later that day, some kind of bible convention was going on, so we got two very different vibes going on during the stay.

    We landed at LAX just in time to hit the rush hour traffic on Friday, so we went to the Veggie Grill in El Segundo.  I spent a lot of time in that area when we lived in Playa Del Rey,  because that main drag on Sepulveda had our grocery store, drug store, bank, Petco, Frey’s, and a host of other regular destinations.  The Veggie Grill is this place with all vegetarian food that’s got fake meat in it, but it isn’t like most health food stores, which are typically these run down retreads of 70s hippie joints, with dim lighting and patchouli smell and a shelf of strange astrology books about fasting and crystals.  It’s a very modern-looking place that resembles a Chipotle more than anything, with lots of bright colors and a smart interior.  I got this huge kale salad and sweet potato fries, and gorged on that stuff, wishing I could eat there every day.

    I always associate LA with healthy food, because it’s where I lost so much weight, and if you want to do a vegan, gluten-free, macrobiotic diet, it’s the place to do it.  But it’s also interesting, because it’s the fast food capital of the world. I mean, you don’t see all of the people who live on it 24×7 in morbid obesity, like you do in the Midwest.  But everywhere on the main drags through town are taco stands and burger joints and diners and every possible chain you could think of: In-n-Out, Jack in the Box, Rally’s, Fatburger, and all of the usual ones.  I guess I started my 2008 stay in LA eating everything and everywhere, but then graduated to just the healthy stuff.  It’s really both ends of the spectrum.

    On Saturday, we ate at a mostly forgettable omelet place in Long Beach, then went on a long drive into Orange County to see a friend of S’s.  We drove back into Culver City to eat at Leaf, this raw food place.  I’m not a huge advocate of raw food, and I think some of the claims are dubious, but I also like it when it’s done right. I first found out about this place because I arrived in LA for a week-long apartment hunting mission back in 2008, and stayed at a crappy Econo-Lodge right across the street.  I went there a few times that summer, and even when I was on a fries-and-burgers diet, I always liked the food there.  Unfortunately, the place is closing down this week – they are razing the whole block and building a giant apartment complex.  But we got there just in time, and I had a falafel and a sampler plate of hummus and chips and rolls, and although the service was terrible, the food was great.

    That’s one thing that’s always night-and-day for me when I go back to LA.  Oakland can be a real shithole when it comes to urban renewal.  Like our neighborhood doesn’t even have a grocery store, and every time someone starts talking about building one, it always gets derailed with discussions from causeheads about whether or not it will have locally-sourced organic nut-free options serviced by transgendered indigenous peoples or whatever the fuck, and it drags on for years.  There’s something fundamentally broken in Oakland’s zoning or local government, and I think it prevents any development or major investment in the city.  Right across the line in Emeryville, things have absolutely exploded with new development and businesses and construction and offices and jobs.  The only thing we’ve seen new in our neighborhood is a tent city full of homeless people that shit in a field next to an overpass.  I think when we moved here, I had high hopes that the neighborhood would get gentrified and cleaned up, and five years later, I have pretty much given up hope for that, and drive to Emeryville or Berkeley for everything.

    Anyway, when we’re in LA, I always see that insane urban development, with every square foot suddenly spouting up new businesses and mixed-use developments.  On one of our previous trips, I think 2011, I was on a sort of depressive riff in my head about the economy and state of the union, and we went to Santa Monica and walked around the promenade at night, and it was absolutely out of control there.  They built this giant addition to the mall, all filled with high-end retail, and every spot of the old main drag had some kind of store in it, selling high-ticket items or hand-crafted clothes or super good food, and the streets were filled both with tourists dumping cash at every turn, or locals driving their fine European autos and wearing expensive clothes to go spend serious cash on drinks and dinner.  And just outside of the bustle, every little area that was vacant was currently under construction, erupting with new retail space.  It reminded me of New York, the parts of New York that were always expanding, always growing, like the quick cell growth of some mutant superhero, constantly replicating and strengthening.  Compared to our neighborhood, which is nothing but empty lots and vacant warehouses, it was astonishing.

    Anyway, very far off topic here.  We also went to the Museum of Jurassic Technology, which is… interesting.  It’s a very meta art project more or less, a museum poking fun at museums, filled with exhibits of questionable verifiability.  I don’t know – it might be a little over my head, but the basic gist of it are that there are a lot of freaky exhibits, and you don’t really know what’s real and what’s completely fictitious.  The whole thing reminded me of walking around a living Tool video of some sort.  I bought a book about it, and will read and review it later, but it’s worth checking out if you’re ever in Culver City and have eight bucks to spare.

    The trip was, unfortunately, over just as fast as it started.  I had to fly back Sunday morning, and Sarah dropped me off at LAX after an unprecedented drive up the 405 with no traffic whatsoever.  When we zipped past Carson, I saw the GZ-20 Spirit of America, better known as one of the three Goodyear blimps, which is always nostalgic, because I was obsessed with the Goodyear blimp when I was 5 or 6.  I got through security at the airport in record time, and got to camp out and get my day’s writing done before the flight.

    And like I said, I got that bummed feeling after getting back home.  I know you’re supposed to hate LA, and all of the people are “fake” etc etc, but I really do like it there.  I now must resist the urge to go to redfin and start looking up house prices there, and try to get more work done on the next book.

    Linky links for you:  go check out my new book, Thunderbird.  Like it on Amazon, add it on goodreads, help a brother out.  I’ve also been stepping up my review game on Amazon a bit.  Check out my reviews, and click that like button a few times and show some love.  Also, if you’re a writer and you’d like to swap books for review, leave a comment or drop a line at jkonrath at this site’s address and let’s set up a trade.  Thanks!