Updates on the next book

Okay. It’s about time to give you some more updates on the next book, because the release is imminent. The book is being edited right now, then it gets designed, goes through production, and all of that pain-in-the-ass stuff.  And then you buy it. Right?

Okay, so here are the latest updates. I’m putting them in a bulleted list, so hang on:

  • The title of the book is The Memory Hunter.
  • I have been posting daily updates on its facebook page, giving little hints about the book. You should go like this page, and tell everyone about it. I have only been giving out more hints as the page gets more likes.  So, go: https://www.facebook.com/thememoryhunter
  • I have also promised that the first people who will find out about the book will be the subscribers to my newsletter.  Also, I will be sending the first few chapters to my newsletter subscribers. That means you really need to subscribe to my list.  I only send mail a few times a year, and I almost always give out free stuff when I do, so do it.
  • This book is not some bizarro stream-of-consciousness plotless thing about how I shit my pants at the county fair during a riot. It is not like my other books. It is a plotted novel. It is extremely plotted.  It is so plotted, Michael Bay would say “god damn, that is plotted.” You could seriously write a Syd Field book on plot based on this thing.
  • That’s not to say it’s not like my other books. I think if you read the first ten of my books, you will find a lot of similarity and there’s the same kind of humor and twisted stuff within this.
  • In fact, there are a lot of connections between this book and my other books. There are recurring characters, places, concepts, and items from all of my books, even the nonfiction ones. I have seriously Frank Zappa-ed the fuck out of this.
  • I’ve also named a bunch of minor characters after some of my best supporters. I’ve given some of you warning about this, but expect to be called out on facebook about this, or maybe I’ll leave them a surprise until the book is published.
  • This book will not be enrolled in KDP Select, which means it will not be in Kindle Unlimited or the Kindle Lending Library, and there will not be a KDP free giveaway. Fuck Jeff Bezos and all of his attempts to lock ebook authors into a monopoly.
  • It’ll be on the Kindle, and of course in print.
  • This book will be available on most of the Smashwords-enabled platforms, which includes the Nook, Kobo, Apple/iTunes, Scribd, Oyster, FlipKart, and some others I’m forgetting, as well as the Smashwords store itself.
  • It is just over 80,000 words, so a full-sized book. I haven’t finished the layout yet, but I estimate it to be about 300 pages in print.
  • I will post more about the description and synopsis of the book later, but the tease so far is that it’s absurdist cyberpunk. It takes place in Seattle in 2007.
  • The cover is amazing. The picture above is a tiny clip from it. You have to see the whole thing.
  • If you review books on Amazon, Goodreads, or a blog, I absolutely need to talk to you now.

This book is a huge change for me, and I am really proud of it. I hope you will like it.  I’ll tell you more when we get closer, but you absolutely need to sign up for the mailing list and go check out the facebook page for more news.

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My new book, Thunderbird, is now available

Over the next few months, I chipped away at The Perkins Declaration: a 1400-page, ten-part handwritten epic that told the secrets of a military tribunal executing a group of Pakistani filmmakers who were shooting a DeLorean biopic movie in rural Iowa before getting nailed by the Department of Agriculture on charges of aggravated sodomy and interstate commerce fraud. It was a love story, sort of.

I’m proud to announce that my ninth book, Thunderbird, is now available. It’s a 26-story collection of short stories and flash that blends Kafkaesque insanity, paranoia, nightmare surrealism, and scatological dystopia. It’s got FDA drone strikes against weight-loss clinics, amputee porn, a celebrity kickboxing match between Yo Yo Ma and Manuel Noriega, and hobby shop exorcisms.  It takes place in Jeff Spicoli-themed restaurants, indian casino abortion clinics, and the bizarre landscapes of extreme heavy metal album covers.  It’s filled with insane humor and nonstop non sequitur references to pop culture, medical technology, military machinery, and GG Allin albums.

If you’re a fan of plot-driven detective stories with relatable characters and realistic, believable scenarios, you will not like this book.  This is experimental, demented, obscene, and a lot of fun.  I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

Check it:

Thanks in advance to everyone who helped me with this, especially Ray Miller for his help on the cover, and John Sheppard for all of his various editorial advice.  Please, check the book out, and help me spread the word!

 

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Check out my latest in the new Rooster Republic anthology

I’m very proud to announce my story, “The Lycanthropic Air Conditioning Folly,” is in Tall Tales with Short Cocks Volume 3!  If you are in “shut up and take my money” mode, here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Tall-Tales-Short-Cocks-Vol/dp/0615773176

My story (which is previously unpublished and not available anywhere else) is a tale about going to the movies in the summer in New York, which is what I used to do when I had no air conditioning, and is the reason I went to see pretty much everything for years.  The story goes meta within a review for a movie that’s based on a book that I wrote.  A quick excerpt:

Despite the sensationalist imagery and the rights to loot Konrath’s incredibly complicated book for plot ideas, the story plods along in an almost plotless fashion, stopping at the two-hour mark for an intermission reminiscent of the break in the middle of Gone With The Wind, except with a title sequence of a montage of stills taken from the American covert B-52 bombing campaign over Cambodia, while playing the first fifteen minutes of the GG Allin album Freaks, Faggots, Drunks and Junkies. There are sections of the film that liberally borrow from other films and TV, such as a 22-minute segment about an hour into the film that line-by-line steals the entire script from an episode (season 4:episode 1 “Ellie Comes to Town”) of The Andy Griffith Show, except that both Ellie and Ellie’s uncle the pharmacist are played by Keith Richards. Also a large chunk of the final third of the movie is nothing but a YouTube video of a person playing Tron Deadly Discs on an Intellivision.

This collection is the first title for Rooster Republic Press.  They used to be Bizarro Press, but they recently changed their name, I’m assuming because they got too many Seinfeld jokes.  They did two other anthologies like this previously, and I was in both of them.  They’ve also published a lot of other great weird fiction, which is worth checking out.  Their brand new site is over at http://roosterrepublicpress.com.

The anthology has a bunch of other writers in it, some that I know, and some new to me.  Some of the ones I’m familiar with include Ben John Smith, Arthur Graham, Etienne DeForest, D. Harlan Wilson, Matt Hlinak, and Douglas Hackle.  Check it out!

 

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Interview and memoir with John Sheppard

The folks over at B2L2 have a great interview with John Sheppard, in which he discusses his book Alpha Mike Foxtrot, the army, guns, Pizza Hut, and living in Germany.  Check it out here:

http://b2l2.com/2013/02/11/thank-you-for-your-service-an-interview-with-john-l-sheppard-2/

He’s also got some more memoir, based on some of the short bits from his Tumblr, over on b2l2 also:

http://b2l2.com/2013/02/11/madeline-and-joe/

Not reading his tumblr?  You should.  And in case you forgot, you can grab his latest over on Amazon.

 

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The Great Holiday Book Sale

Jolly Firestorm! Merry Holidays! Happy Hanukkah! Festive Birthday of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah! And whatever else I forgot!

This year, to celebrate all of the various holidays and wars on holidays this December, I am extending some very special offers to you readers out there. So please check out these offers, and read the fine print on how to take advantage of them.

1) Buy Any Print Book, Get an E-book Free

If you buy any of my eligible print books (see below for a list), I will send you any one of my eligible e-books, either for the Kindle, or in ePub format for any of your other e-book readers.

That means you could:

  • Buy one of my print books, and get a backup copy you can read on your phone.
  • Buy a print book as a gift to someone else, and get a book for yourself.
  • Check out one of my books in print, and a different one electronically.
  • Light one of my print books on fire for warmth as you read the e-book version.

Just send me proof of purchase for the books, and the email address where I should send the e-book and which format you want. (See below for more details.)

2) Buy Any Two Print Books, Get a Third Print Book, Autographed, Free

If you buy any two of my eligible print books, get an autographed eligible print book of your choice for free! I will write whatever you want in the book. Seriously – if you want me to write “JON KONRATH IS A FUCKING IDIOT”, I will write it. I also don’t care if you do something goofy like give away two of my books and then keep the autographed one. Whatever floats your boat.

3) Buy All Five of my Kindle Books, Get a Print Book, Autographed, Free

If you order all five of my eligible Kindle books, I will send you an eligible print book of your choice, signed, and will write whatever you want in the front cover.

4) Buy Twenty Print Books, Get a One-Year Subscription to Hustler

If you any combination of 20 books total from my eligible print books (they make great corporate gifts, provided your company has a lax hostile workplace policy) I will send you a one-year subscription to Hustler Magazine. This includes 13 issues of full-color hard-hitting journalism from first amendment pioneer Larry Flynt. (Note: this offer is not available to individuals in prison.)

5) Buy Forty Print Books, Get a Free Spear Gun

If you order any combination of forty of my eligible print books, I will send you a JBL D6 Spear Gun. This 27-inch carbine spear gun is made out of aircraft-grade 6063 aluminum, with an integrated single-barb tip. It’s perfect for light spearfishing, and is THE accessory for watching Shark Week next August.

6) Buy 150 Print Books, Get a Free iPad Mini and All Kindle Books Free

If you order 150 of my eligible print books I will send you a 16 GB WiFi iPad Mini in your choice of black or white, and then load it with all five of my Kindle books.

7) Buy 120,000 Print Books, Get a Free 2013 Lamborghini Gallardo

We’re talking about the limited-edition 2013 LP-550-2 with the 5.2L V10 putting out 542 HP to the rear wheels. (Note: you are responsible for excise, import, and destination taxes, and any shipping and handling or purchase commission fees.)

The Fine Print

  1. Only purchases made from today until December 31, 2012 are eligible.
  2. You can’t combine offers. I am not sending you a car AND an iPad AND a spear gun. When in doubt, please tell me which one you want.
  3. I promise not to keep your email or postal address or add you to any spam list.
  4. Offers 2-7 are only valid for domestic US addresses. (Sorry, I can’t send items internationally.)
  5. It’s not my problem if I mail you a spear gun or pornography and it’s intercepted by your local authorities or a mail inspector.
  6. I’m also not responsible if Amazon or your credit card company won’t sell you 120,000 books in a single order.
  7. I reserve the right to end this offer at any time.
  8. I reserve the right to make substitutions on #7 based on availability.
  9. This offer is void where prohibited.

Eligible Books

The following print books are eligible:

The following Kindle e-books are eligible:

Not included: Everything not listed above, including books I sell on lulu, through any e-book provider other than Amazon, or any anthologies in which I have appeared. Also, this does not include books written by anyone else named Konrath that is not me, Jon Konrath, which should be obvious, but I bet at least one fucking idiot that can’t read complains about this.

How to Participate

  1. Buy the stuff from Amazon.
  2. Forward your shipment confirmation email to the address holiday2012 at paragraphline.com.
  3. Also send an email to that address saying where I should send the books (email for the e-books), what format the e-book should be in (Kindle or ePub), and for the autographed books, exactly what you want me to write in them. Also, if you have any special instructions, like if the book is supposed to be a gift, let me know.
  4. That’s it! I’ll send you a confirmation email when I send out the stuff.

I hope you all have a great holiday and end of 2012, and I hope to write even more sick and depraved stuff for you to read in 2013!

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Sleep Has No Master is FREE this weekend on Kindle!

Up for some bizarre reading this holiday weekend? My latest book, Sleep Has No Master, is free this weekend on the Kindle.

Check out the book at Amazon.

What this means is that from Friday 8/31 to Tuesday 9/4, you can purchase the book on the Kindle store for $0.  You get to keep the book forever, and you can put it on any of your devices.  If you don’t have a Kindle, you can install the reader software on most computers, phones, or tablets, or you can read it on the web from within your browser.

All I ask is that if you like the book, please leave a review on Amazon or goodreads.  And please tell your friends on facebook, twitter, your blog, or using smoke signals or carrier pigeons or whatever else.

Here’s the book’s description:

Can we tell the difference between our dreams and reality? In his latest collection of short stories and flash fiction, Jon Konrath dances between metafiction and nihilism in an absurdist world of geek culture where cancer is the latest fashion trend, books have been replaced in schools with episodes of Barney Miller, time travel is possible but annoying because of the commercials, and mutant krill/human hybrids perform special forces military operations in Iran. Each story either shows the narrator’s past in a land called Bighikistan, or peeks at his subconscious in a series of insomnia-influenced dreams and nightmares.

In the 27 fast-paced stories that make up Konrath’s bizarro compendium, themes drift from finding meaning in life (“Oil Change Introspection Therapy”), political extremism (“Tree AIDS and the Slurpee Abortion Speech”), and sexual fetish (“The George Washington Buttplug”). The absurdism challenges and humors readers with taboo subjects such as big-budget snuff film cartoons, franchised bondage dungeons in airports, and hundreds of protestors self-immolating themselves because of a nationwide McRib ban. Filled with dark humor and outrageous stylings, this compilation drifts through a paranoid Kafkaesque dreamscape parodying the information overload of the modern world.

Thanks in advance for checking out the book, and helping spread the word!

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Sleep Has No Master, now in paperback too

I’m proud to announce my new book, Sleep Has No Master, is now available in glorious dead tree print format.  234 pages of doesn’t-matter-if-you-drop-it-in-the-tub, readable-on-the-beach, loanable-to-friends, no-DRM, no-batteries-required goodness.

If you read my previous book, The Earworm Inception, you’ll like this one.  It’s 27 slices of absurd humor in the same breakneck style, loosely tied together into a novel. Check it out on Amazon here. There’s also a Kindle version available here.

The book includes the following pieces:

  • Signs and Symbols and Spraypaint
  • Sleep Has No Master
  • Tesla Motors Doesn’t Have A Blowjob Referral Program
  • The Nostradamus Scat Porn Prophecies
  • The Marshall Manifesto
  • Sugar Tooth Sockets and Psionic Cancer Induction
  • This Is Like A Dog Trying To Crap A Peach Pit
  • A Matter of Trust
  • The Gamecube Junkie Abortionist’s Revenge
  • The George Washington Buttplug
  • Art Garfunkel is My Copilot
  • The Log Lady Incident
  • Krill Warriors
  • Time Travel And The Posse Comitatus McDonald’s Standoff
  • Princess Di’s Mercedes and the Dead Man’s ASL Chimp
  • Dwarf Meth Madness, Again
  • Jethro P. Teats and the Ass Bandits of Bureaucratic Somnolence
  • Cereal Towelbars and the Navaho Garage Sale
  • The Locality Principle
  • The Shark Boy Hitchhiker
  • Oil Change Introspection Therapy
  • Fifty Shades of Napalm
  • Tree AIDS and the Slurpee Abortion Speech
  • The UFO Mafioso Call-In Hour
  • Peak Oil
  • These Three Things
  • With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemas?

As was true previously, I’ve tried to make the price as low as possible to keep this affordable, but the print version obviously has a higher price than the kindle edition. Beaming electrons is always cheaper than chopping down forests.

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The Earworm Inception is FREE on Kindle this weekend!

My 2012 book The Earworm Inception is free on the Kindle this weekend!

Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/The-Earworm-Inception-ebook/dp/B006U44EIY

The Earworm Inception is a collection of twenty bizarro and absurdist flash fiction stories. It’s hard to describe the overall story, except maybe a twisted morphing dream you’d have after eating bad Chinese food and recreationally abusing cough medicine right before bed.  It’s a fun read, and perfect for those of you with ADD who aren’t going to sit down and read Infinite Jest in one clip.

Normally, the book is only 99 cents on the Kindle, but from June 8th to 12th, it will be available for free.  You don’t need to own a Kindle or have an Amazon Prime membership, and the book is yours to keep – it’s not a loan.  You can read it on a Kindle, or download the Kindle software on almost any phone or PC, or even read it in your browser in Amazon’s cloud reader.

I need your help!  Please tell any of your friends that might enjoy twisted fiction by forwarding on this link, liking it on Facebook, tweeting it, or posting it elsewhere.  And if you get a chance, please leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads.

Here’s the linkage:

Thanks in advance for checking it out!

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Fistful of Pizza ebook is FREE on the Kindle store this weekend!

My book Fistful of Pizza is free on the Kindle this weekend!

Before I even explain anything, go here and download this thing immediately at Amazon.com.

Okay, here’s the deal.  Fistful of Pizza is a short story collection of nine different pieces of bizarro, absurdist goodness. It’s a print book, in a fun little pocket size, but it’s on the Kindle, too.  Don’t take my word for it though; read this excellent review from my pals over at Metal Curse.

Normally, the book is only 99 cents on the kindle.  But for the next five days (4/13/12 to 4/17/12) it is FREE.  And not just if you own a physical kindle, and not for some one month borrowing period.  I mean, anyone with an Amazon account can buy it for zero dollars, and you can then download it to any kindle or kindle program, or read it online forever.

Why am I doing this? A couple of reasons:

  1. As a thank you to all of you who have read my other stuff.
  2. As an intro to those of you who haven’t read any of my stuff yet.
  3. Because I really, really want to get the book’s rankings up, and every download helps.

I need your help!  Please download the book.  But also, please tell your friends or anyone you know who has a kindle or likes weird and twisted humor to check out the book.  Post this on your facebook or twitter or mail it to a friend or do whatever you can to spread the word on this!

A brief FAQ:

Do I need a Kindle to read this?

NO.  The kindle software is available for just about every phone, tablet, or PC out there.  If you happen to be on an Amiga or web browsing on a VAX or something, you can also use Amazon’s cloud reader and read it in your web browser.

Do I need Amazon Prime to read this?

NO.  Anyone with an Amazon account can read it.

I’m one of those people who hates ebooks and only reads paper books.  What the hell?

There is a paper version of the book available.  It is excellent.  Unfortunately, it isn’t free.  Dead trees cost money.  Tell you what – if you buy the paper version and ever run into me, I’ll buy you a beverage of your choice.

I’m taking a music theory class. How can I memorize the circle of fifths?

Freaky Chicks Go Down After Every Beer.

What else can I do to help?

Aside from downloading a copy and telling all your friends, if you like the book, please rate it and review it.  And please tag it on Amazon, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Okay, here’s the linkage:

The book on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Fistful-of-Pizza-ebook/dp/B0055LH4ZI

The book’s home page:
http://www.rumored.com/fistfulofpizza/

At goodreads:
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12391442-fistful-of-pizza

Thank you in advance!  I hope you get a chance to check out the book.

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New flash fiction at Horror Sleaze Trash

I have a new piece of flash fiction, “Dwarf Meth Madness, Again”, over at Horror Sleaze Trash. I’m very happy to get a piece in HST, as it constantly publishes high-caliber Bukowskian poetry and fiction.

This story is tangentially related to one I had in Weirdyear back in January.  A brief quote for your Easter Sunday:

I also grew up in a town that banned Christmas, and renamed it Jesus Day.  Obese city cops with sniper rifles sat in towers at the edge of town, picking off anyone who dared to dress up like Santa.  We used to score a christmas tree from this dude that also sold heroin in the train station.  Just one fix.

Check it out: http://www.horrorsleazetrash.com/flash-fiction/jon-konrath/

As with all of the stuff I’ve been publishing like this on other sites, if you like it, it would be great if you could click the like button, leave a comment on the site, or pass it along to any like-minded degenerate friends who are into this sort of thing.

And if you haven’t kept up with the influx of stories coming out, head over to the Published Writing link.  Pretty much all of those stories are available to read for free.  And all of the books are on the Kindle for way cheap.  Thanks for reading!

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