I have a new zine out

I have a new zine out.

It is called Mandatory Laxative #14. It is about lunchables and satanism.

It is 20 pages long. It is printed on an inkjet printer. It is as lo-fi as possible. I didn’t even spell-check it.

It contains the following “stories”:

  • Pain Is Only Temporary (Unless It Is Chronic)
  • A Scene Where A Guy Goes To A Colonics Clinic, Falls In Love With The Cashier, And Almost Ends Up Shooting A Fountain Of Coffee From His Ass
  • Sleep Letter Zero
  • Letter to Freddy
  • I Am A Satanist And I Like Toast Because It Is Cult And Evil
  • Someday This Could Be You
  • I Love Lunchables
  • Late At Night With Dwight Dingleson
  • Remember the Alamo, Motherfucker
  • Two Men Discuss Low Calorie Pizza Before A Ritual Satanism Killing
  • This Knife Means Fucking Business
  • Chili Sweats at Aerie #666
  • The Inevitability of an Accidental Saline Enema

It is listed on Goodreads here.

It is not available on Amazon. It is not available as an ebook or a PDF. It’s barely available at all. It is a limited edition of about 30 copies. If you really want a copy, and you are in the US, paypal me $4 and your postal address. jkonrath at rumored.com.

 

 

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Yes, I have a new book out now

Yes, I have a new book out!

No, it’s not like the last one!

No, I don’t have a snazzy elevator pitch to describe it in a sentence by saying it’s like this movie meets that movie! I don’t write those kind of books. Actually, I did write one of those books, my last one, and it was sort of silly. So let me assure you that this book isn’t like that.

This book is titled He. It consists of a hundred short microfiction pieces. Each piece begins with the word “He.” Like my book Atmospheres, the pieces are related, but if you flipped the book open to any random piece, you could read just that and read it and then LOL and put the book back next to the toilet and finish your business.

(For some reason, a lot of people read my book on the toilet. Maybe the toilet is sort of like my Hot Pockets or Pringles can/tennis ball factory. I don’t know. I’m just glad you read the books.)

The book is funny and dark and offensive to everyone, including you. I’d say sorry, but I’m not.

I realize this is a bad description, and I should have thought of a better title instead of He, and books with more color on the cover sell more, blah blah blah.  I don’t give a shit.  I write what I write.

I took the cover photo on the way to Area 51 this year at KonCon 2015. Just think, if you would have went, you could have your picture on a book. Also, I hope you like my new author photo. I’ll leave it as a surprise.

The links:

The book is on Kindle Unlimited, so if you have that, you can read it for free. It is also on Kindle Match, so if you buy the paperback from Amazon, you can download the book on Kindle for free.

No plans for an audio book. (You probably should check out the Atmospheres audio book, though. It’s pretty awesome.) No plans for a not-Kindle ebook.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to for the last year. Please, please, please, share the shit out of this on your face places or whatever. If you review books, get in touch. If you know anybody at Kraft Foods who works on Lunchables who can get me an endorsement deal, get in touch. Thank you.

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The Atmospheres audio book is now available

I’m proud to announce the audio book for Atmospheres is now available!

This is huge. You really need to go listen to a sample of the book.  It was narrated by Rob Shamblin at Bay Drive Sound Studios, and they did a totally pro job – it sounds incredible, and the acting and pace of Rob’s reading is incredible.

The book itself is a total gonzo drive into the absurd. I’m very proud of the print book, but the audio version takes on a completely new dimension. It’s really something to listen to it, and the nonlinear structure of the book lends itself well to audio. And it’s unabridged, so it’s just shy of six hours long, which is a great value.

So here’s the deal: you can get it in one of three ways: Amazon, Audible, or iTunes.  Here’s some explanation of all three:

  • Audible: http://www.audible.com/pd/Sci-Fi-Fantasy/Atmospheres-Audiobook/B00OD60TPS – You can buy a copy of the book outright from Audible for the list price of $19.95. Or, you can sign up for an Audible account and get the book for free.  Audible gives you a 30-day free trial, and then it’s $14.95 a month. Members get two free audio books a month, plus 30% off additional purchases.  This is a hell of a deal, and I’d recommend it if you regularly listen to audio books.  Just make sure the first book you download is mine!
  • Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Atmospheres/dp/B00OI2HAJU Audible is owned by Amazon now, so tomato tomatoh.  The key difference is that it’s currently $17.46. And when you leave a review (you are going to do that, right?) it shows up along with all of your other Amazon reviews.  I think you need to download some kind of Audible app to get the audio from Amazon – I don’t know what their procedure is this week for audio purchases.
  • iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/audiobook/atmospheres-unabridged/id929829736 If you are locked into Apple’s ecosystem, this is the way to go. It’s currently priced at $17.95 too, so you save two bucks there. And if you like having all of your stuff in iTunes and don’t want to download another program and want it all from Apple’s cloud, this is the way to go.  I just bought a copy from here to see how it went, and it’s just as seamless as buying anything else.

You can listen to a short preview on any of the above sites.  Apple’s preview is shorter, but a different part of the book.

Here is the big favor part: I do not have any free download codes or other way to easily schlep copies of this book to potential reviewers.  So I really, really need help getting reviews of the book, and getting the word out to people. Please forward this on, repost it, tell others, and review the book if you can. It would be greatly appreciated!

Also, if you’re still interested in reviewing the paper book (or ebook) drop me a line at jkonrath at rumored dot com and I’ll hook you up.  I really, really need some honest Amazon reviews, so get in touch if you can help.

I am really glad this project turned out as good as it did.  I hope you get a chance to check it out!

 

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My new book, The Memory Hunter, is now out!

I’m happy to announce that my new book, The Memory Hunter, is now available!

This book is a bit of a departure for me.  I wanted to try writing a plotted novel with a conventional structure. The book is a retro cyberpunk book.  I know cyberpunk is supposed to be dead, but I had some fun getting around this. I wrote a book that appears to be penned in about 1981, with all of the usual futuristic predictions of that era’s great science fiction, which of course never happened.  So it’s chock full of flying cars, robots, intelligent computers, memory implants, and huge Japanese corporations that rule a world that has rebuilt after a nuclear war with the still-existing Soviet Union.  It’s a dark comedy, full of my usual brand of absurdism, but it’s also a solid noir thriller.

I’ve got a page with a description and all of the details here. Go grab your copy here:

A preview is available on the Kindle and on Smashwords.  I also sent out a slightly longer preview of the first chapters to my mailing list.  Didn’t get it?  Maybe you should subscribe.

Thanks to everyone who helped me with this, especially John Sheppard and Joseph Hirsch, who beta-read and edited for me.  I hope you enjoy this!  And if it’s not your cup of tea, don’t worry.  I’m already 30,000 words into another absurd and bizarre book that gets back to my usual brand of writing.

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More book stuff

Okay, so more details on The Memory Hunter:

  • See the last post about it.
  • The release date is 9/1/14
  • It is 320 pages.
  • The cover is amazing.  I said I wasn’t going to reveal it until the Facebook page got 100 likes, so go like it.
  • There is a preview of it, which consists of the first five chapters.  It’s absolutely free, but you have to be on my mailing list to get it, so you should join it.  I only mail out once a month at most, so it’s not a high-volume thing, and you find out first about my new books and stories, and get free stuff.
  • The book has a web site: http://rumored.com/thememoryhunter/ It is a work in progress, but it has the book description on it, and will be updated once the book goes live.
  • I’m waiting on a physical proof, which shows up tomorrow.  The interior layout is all done, the cover is done, the kindle version is done, and the Smashwords version will be done momentarily.  I pretty much just need to push a couple of buttons and the book will be live.

Very tired right now.  I haven’t slept well in weeks, worrying about getting this book done, trying to find places to tell more people about it.  There was an earthquake last night, which caused no damage, except to my sleep.  I’ve been burning all of my time with final edits and photoshop madness and submitting files and filling out forms.  And now it’s all about googling places that review books, and pondering ads, and trying to reach out to new people, and basically everything but writing.  It’s all part of the process, but I want to get back to actually creating.  Soon.

Anyway, get ready.  The next update will probably be that the book is out.  I will be leaking more things over at Facebook.  And please, sign up for the damn list.  Tell everyone you know.  This book is going to be huge, and you’ll want to check it out.

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Updates on the next book

Okay. It’s about time to give you some more updates on the next book, because the release is imminent. The book is being edited right now, then it gets designed, goes through production, and all of that pain-in-the-ass stuff.  And then you buy it. Right?

Okay, so here are the latest updates. I’m putting them in a bulleted list, so hang on:

  • The title of the book is The Memory Hunter.
  • I have been posting daily updates on its facebook page, giving little hints about the book. You should go like this page, and tell everyone about it. I have only been giving out more hints as the page gets more likes.  So, go: https://www.facebook.com/thememoryhunter
  • I have also promised that the first people who will find out about the book will be the subscribers to my newsletter.  Also, I will be sending the first few chapters to my newsletter subscribers. That means you really need to subscribe to my list.  I only send mail a few times a year, and I almost always give out free stuff when I do, so do it.
  • This book is not some bizarro stream-of-consciousness plotless thing about how I shit my pants at the county fair during a riot. It is not like my other books. It is a plotted novel. It is extremely plotted.  It is so plotted, Michael Bay would say “god damn, that is plotted.” You could seriously write a Syd Field book on plot based on this thing.
  • That’s not to say it’s not like my other books. I think if you read the first ten of my books, you will find a lot of similarity and there’s the same kind of humor and twisted stuff within this.
  • In fact, there are a lot of connections between this book and my other books. There are recurring characters, places, concepts, and items from all of my books, even the nonfiction ones. I have seriously Frank Zappa-ed the fuck out of this.
  • I’ve also named a bunch of minor characters after some of my best supporters. I’ve given some of you warning about this, but expect to be called out on facebook about this, or maybe I’ll leave them a surprise until the book is published.
  • This book will not be enrolled in KDP Select, which means it will not be in Kindle Unlimited or the Kindle Lending Library, and there will not be a KDP free giveaway. Fuck Jeff Bezos and all of his attempts to lock ebook authors into a monopoly.
  • It’ll be on the Kindle, and of course in print.
  • This book will be available on most of the Smashwords-enabled platforms, which includes the Nook, Kobo, Apple/iTunes, Scribd, Oyster, FlipKart, and some others I’m forgetting, as well as the Smashwords store itself.
  • It is just over 80,000 words, so a full-sized book. I haven’t finished the layout yet, but I estimate it to be about 300 pages in print.
  • I will post more about the description and synopsis of the book later, but the tease so far is that it’s absurdist cyberpunk. It takes place in Seattle in 2007.
  • The cover is amazing. The picture above is a tiny clip from it. You have to see the whole thing.
  • If you review books on Amazon, Goodreads, or a blog, I absolutely need to talk to you now.

This book is a huge change for me, and I am really proud of it. I hope you will like it.  I’ll tell you more when we get closer, but you absolutely need to sign up for the mailing list and go check out the facebook page for more news.

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My new book, Thunderbird, is now available

Over the next few months, I chipped away at The Perkins Declaration: a 1400-page, ten-part handwritten epic that told the secrets of a military tribunal executing a group of Pakistani filmmakers who were shooting a DeLorean biopic movie in rural Iowa before getting nailed by the Department of Agriculture on charges of aggravated sodomy and interstate commerce fraud. It was a love story, sort of.

I’m proud to announce that my ninth book, Thunderbird, is now available. It’s a 26-story collection of short stories and flash that blends Kafkaesque insanity, paranoia, nightmare surrealism, and scatological dystopia. It’s got FDA drone strikes against weight-loss clinics, amputee porn, a celebrity kickboxing match between Yo Yo Ma and Manuel Noriega, and hobby shop exorcisms.  It takes place in Jeff Spicoli-themed restaurants, indian casino abortion clinics, and the bizarre landscapes of extreme heavy metal album covers.  It’s filled with insane humor and nonstop non sequitur references to pop culture, medical technology, military machinery, and GG Allin albums.

If you’re a fan of plot-driven detective stories with relatable characters and realistic, believable scenarios, you will not like this book.  This is experimental, demented, obscene, and a lot of fun.  I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

Check it:

Thanks in advance to everyone who helped me with this, especially Ray Miller for his help on the cover, and John Sheppard for all of his various editorial advice.  Please, check the book out, and help me spread the word!

 

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Check out my latest in the new Rooster Republic anthology

I’m very proud to announce my story, “The Lycanthropic Air Conditioning Folly,” is in Tall Tales with Short Cocks Volume 3!  If you are in “shut up and take my money” mode, here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Tall-Tales-Short-Cocks-Vol/dp/0615773176

My story (which is previously unpublished and not available anywhere else) is a tale about going to the movies in the summer in New York, which is what I used to do when I had no air conditioning, and is the reason I went to see pretty much everything for years.  The story goes meta within a review for a movie that’s based on a book that I wrote.  A quick excerpt:

Despite the sensationalist imagery and the rights to loot Konrath’s incredibly complicated book for plot ideas, the story plods along in an almost plotless fashion, stopping at the two-hour mark for an intermission reminiscent of the break in the middle of Gone With The Wind, except with a title sequence of a montage of stills taken from the American covert B-52 bombing campaign over Cambodia, while playing the first fifteen minutes of the GG Allin album Freaks, Faggots, Drunks and Junkies. There are sections of the film that liberally borrow from other films and TV, such as a 22-minute segment about an hour into the film that line-by-line steals the entire script from an episode (season 4:episode 1 “Ellie Comes to Town”) of The Andy Griffith Show, except that both Ellie and Ellie’s uncle the pharmacist are played by Keith Richards. Also a large chunk of the final third of the movie is nothing but a YouTube video of a person playing Tron Deadly Discs on an Intellivision.

This collection is the first title for Rooster Republic Press.  They used to be Bizarro Press, but they recently changed their name, I’m assuming because they got too many Seinfeld jokes.  They did two other anthologies like this previously, and I was in both of them.  They’ve also published a lot of other great weird fiction, which is worth checking out.  Their brand new site is over at http://roosterrepublicpress.com.

The anthology has a bunch of other writers in it, some that I know, and some new to me.  Some of the ones I’m familiar with include Ben John Smith, Arthur Graham, Etienne DeForest, D. Harlan Wilson, Matt Hlinak, and Douglas Hackle.  Check it out!

 

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Interview and memoir with John Sheppard

The folks over at B2L2 have a great interview with John Sheppard, in which he discusses his book Alpha Mike Foxtrot, the army, guns, Pizza Hut, and living in Germany.  Check it out here:

http://b2l2.com/2013/02/11/thank-you-for-your-service-an-interview-with-john-l-sheppard-2/

He’s also got some more memoir, based on some of the short bits from his Tumblr, over on b2l2 also:

http://b2l2.com/2013/02/11/madeline-and-joe/

Not reading his tumblr?  You should.  And in case you forgot, you can grab his latest over on Amazon.

 

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The Great Holiday Book Sale

Jolly Firestorm! Merry Holidays! Happy Hanukkah! Festive Birthday of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah! And whatever else I forgot!

This year, to celebrate all of the various holidays and wars on holidays this December, I am extending some very special offers to you readers out there. So please check out these offers, and read the fine print on how to take advantage of them.

1) Buy Any Print Book, Get an E-book Free

If you buy any of my eligible print books (see below for a list), I will send you any one of my eligible e-books, either for the Kindle, or in ePub format for any of your other e-book readers.

That means you could:

  • Buy one of my print books, and get a backup copy you can read on your phone.
  • Buy a print book as a gift to someone else, and get a book for yourself.
  • Check out one of my books in print, and a different one electronically.
  • Light one of my print books on fire for warmth as you read the e-book version.

Just send me proof of purchase for the books, and the email address where I should send the e-book and which format you want. (See below for more details.)

2) Buy Any Two Print Books, Get a Third Print Book, Autographed, Free

If you buy any two of my eligible print books, get an autographed eligible print book of your choice for free! I will write whatever you want in the book. Seriously – if you want me to write “JON KONRATH IS A FUCKING IDIOT”, I will write it. I also don’t care if you do something goofy like give away two of my books and then keep the autographed one. Whatever floats your boat.

3) Buy All Five of my Kindle Books, Get a Print Book, Autographed, Free

If you order all five of my eligible Kindle books, I will send you an eligible print book of your choice, signed, and will write whatever you want in the front cover.

4) Buy Twenty Print Books, Get a One-Year Subscription to Hustler

If you any combination of 20 books total from my eligible print books (they make great corporate gifts, provided your company has a lax hostile workplace policy) I will send you a one-year subscription to Hustler Magazine. This includes 13 issues of full-color hard-hitting journalism from first amendment pioneer Larry Flynt. (Note: this offer is not available to individuals in prison.)

5) Buy Forty Print Books, Get a Free Spear Gun

If you order any combination of forty of my eligible print books, I will send you a JBL D6 Spear Gun. This 27-inch carbine spear gun is made out of aircraft-grade 6063 aluminum, with an integrated single-barb tip. It’s perfect for light spearfishing, and is THE accessory for watching Shark Week next August.

6) Buy 150 Print Books, Get a Free iPad Mini and All Kindle Books Free

If you order 150 of my eligible print books I will send you a 16 GB WiFi iPad Mini in your choice of black or white, and then load it with all five of my Kindle books.

7) Buy 120,000 Print Books, Get a Free 2013 Lamborghini Gallardo

We’re talking about the limited-edition 2013 LP-550-2 with the 5.2L V10 putting out 542 HP to the rear wheels. (Note: you are responsible for excise, import, and destination taxes, and any shipping and handling or purchase commission fees.)

The Fine Print

  1. Only purchases made from today until December 31, 2012 are eligible.
  2. You can’t combine offers. I am not sending you a car AND an iPad AND a spear gun. When in doubt, please tell me which one you want.
  3. I promise not to keep your email or postal address or add you to any spam list.
  4. Offers 2-7 are only valid for domestic US addresses. (Sorry, I can’t send items internationally.)
  5. It’s not my problem if I mail you a spear gun or pornography and it’s intercepted by your local authorities or a mail inspector.
  6. I’m also not responsible if Amazon or your credit card company won’t sell you 120,000 books in a single order.
  7. I reserve the right to end this offer at any time.
  8. I reserve the right to make substitutions on #7 based on availability.
  9. This offer is void where prohibited.

Eligible Books

The following print books are eligible:

The following Kindle e-books are eligible:

Not included: Everything not listed above, including books I sell on lulu, through any e-book provider other than Amazon, or any anthologies in which I have appeared. Also, this does not include books written by anyone else named Konrath that is not me, Jon Konrath, which should be obvious, but I bet at least one fucking idiot that can’t read complains about this.

How to Participate

  1. Buy the stuff from Amazon.
  2. Forward your shipment confirmation email to the address holiday2012 at paragraphline.com.
  3. Also send an email to that address saying where I should send the books (email for the e-books), what format the e-book should be in (Kindle or ePub), and for the autographed books, exactly what you want me to write in them. Also, if you have any special instructions, like if the book is supposed to be a gift, let me know.
  4. That’s it! I’ll send you a confirmation email when I send out the stuff.

I hope you all have a great holiday and end of 2012, and I hope to write even more sick and depraved stuff for you to read in 2013!

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