My Daily Carry

Everyone else on various gadget and tech sites has been doing this lately, so I thought I would, too.  Here’s a picture and explanation of every item I carry in my pockets on a daily basis:

The items are:

  1. Serrated bread knife.
  2. Soaring Society of America glider pilot flight log.
  3. Butcher knife.
  4. $250 in Confederate currency.
  5. Auvi-Q epinephrine injector.
  6. Business cards.
  7. West German circa-1980s analog metronome.
  8. LensCrafters wet glasses cleaners.
  9. 50,000 Saddam-era Iraqi Dinar.
  10. Proventil inhaler.
  11. WikiReader portable offline Wikipedia browser.
  12. $800 US cash in $20 bills.
  13. Glover Pocket Ref reference manual.
  14. Keys to house, two cars, storage locker; garage remote; loyalty keychains for Panera, Borders, Ralph’s, CVS, Subaru roadside assistance.  (I do not live near Ralph’s or own a Subaru.  I’m lazy and don’t want to split my fingernails apart removing old ones.)
  15. US Passport.
  16. CRKT anti-shark dive knife.
  17. Moleskine notebook and pen.
  18. Cough drops.
  19. iPhone 4S.
  20. Big Skinny Wallet containing driver’s license, credit cards, $1000 US cash.
  21. Kleenex.
  22. Microfiber.
Posted in Uncategorized

John Wayne died with 87 pounds of hamburger in his butthole

I stumbled into the pizza place on crutches, my inflamed foot wrapped in Scooby-Doo bandages and padded lawn chair webbing tape.  One of my crutch-arms clung to a plastic pharmacy bag filled with high-tech bandages and gauze that the fuckers in the ER tried to sell me at a ten thousand percent markup.  Didn’t they hang people for price-gouging like this in the Old West?  Not to get all Andy Rooney, but sometimes the old way works best.

But first, before redressing the wounded foot, I needed food. The doctor told me to eat something before taking the painkillers. He also gave me a determined boilerplate speech on why I should become a vegan, but fuck that.  The closest place that had any vegetables other than iceberg lettuce would involve another hour of stumbling med-free on uneven sidewalks with zero crutch proficiency, and life is too short.

A cross-eyed mongoloid of a brute threw a fifty-pound blob of dough against the counter like Andre the Giant going for a pin against a pencil-necked geek after drinking two cases of beer.  I stumbled to the cash register and ordered the three-slice special. He punched the register keys with flour-encrusted fingers, then handed over my free can of warm Coke and one of those green-and-white tickets used by every restaurant in the tri-state area.

I sat in a booth by the warped-glass front window, popped open the 30 tablets of salvation, courtesy of the idiots at Rite-Aid, and hoped they hadn’t skimmed any of the Vicodin for themselves.  I needed food, sleep, and a new immunosuppressive system, or whatever caused this horror arthritis in my red swelled toes.  Someone said drinking raw cherry juice did the trick, but the internet’s full of idiots.  CowboyBob79’s insane wife is going to tell everyone on Yahoo Answers that shoving avocado pits in your asshole cures cancer, but I wouldn’t want to try it.

This was the weekend that someone published the location of the secret government warehouse on Drudge Report, and thousands of people smashed down the doors and rushed the place like it was a Wal-Mart black friday sale on Larry the Cable Guy box sets.  People ran through the streets with stolen 200-MPG carburetors, parts of alien spaceships, Elvis cloning material, and check stubs and cancelled receipts for the Kennedy assassinations.  eBay servers melted down with all of the people selling off Arks of the Covenant and cattle mutilation equipment.  I spent the next month watching old X-Files episodes to corroborate story lines with all of the new black ops evidence available on the secondary market.

A guy wearing a Millions of Dead Cops shirt and a Vietcong hat sat in the booth next to me, trying to start a conversation with random factoids of nothingness. “John Wayne died with 87 pounds of hamburger in his butthole,” he said, clicking on some iPad game mindlessly, one of those things where cartoon ninjas or zombies or badgers fought and fucked fruit or birds or something.  “Look it up online.  87 pounds, dude, straight up the shit-shooter.  ‘Is that you, John Wayne?  It’s me, cholesterol apocalypse.’”

“I think the rumor was in his colon, not asshole.  You remove a lung, and you’d be surprised how much shit you can impact in there.”

“Colon, butthole, beef, fudge, whatever.  And his first name was Marion.  Dude was gayer than a Glee marathon in the men’s room at a Pinkberry.”

Where the hell is my pizza? I thought.  I needed food, needed my fix.  The intense pain of my foot was even worse than this conversation.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Vergeltungswaffe Rodney King Performance Art Barbecue

The deserted middle school down the street served as a base of operations for the Smurf cosplayers, a temporary garment storage facility and a future home for their village diorama.  The failed school system abandoned the building after the state banned math and reading and dissolved all child labor and minimum wage laws, to bring back manufacturing jobs.  We built this! I’d sometimes see the blue-suited yiff-monsters run rampant in the neighborhood, using the magic s-word as a noun, verb, adjective, expletive, and a warning to everyone:  don’t smurf with us, or we will smurf you in the ass.

Just outside of town, the product of the destroyed school system, giant slave labor camps of kids in their pre-teens, sewed together camouflage hunting jackets and cured beef jerky made from dead dogs, to be sold at Man Hunter Pro outlet stores across the midwest.  High-test enemas of legalized speed, prescribed for ADD, kept the kids churning away on production for twenty hours a day, under the bright lights of the guard towers full of private security guards with sniper rifles and concussion grenades.

We’d buy a case of beer and drink on the porch, stirring a huge iron wok full of imitation Chinese food perched on top of a gas barbecue grill bought with Camel Cash from a previous tenant.  With a Mossberg shotgun on the lawn chair next to me and a can of the corner store’s cheapest in hand, I’d watch the blue-faced losers get the shit beaten out of them by roving packs of meth-heads trying to steal anything of value.  The Max Max bands of scab-covered toothless predators smashed the smurf out of those poor fuckers with lead pipes and pieces of lumber, taking their expensive phones and video gear, probably bought with parental moneys.

The Day After scenery can be rough stuff to process if you have even a shred of empathy toward your fellow man left in your system. But it’s cheaper than getting reamed on an HBO subscription, and with the temperature above 115 even at ten at night, I wasn’t about to sit inside in a house with no AC and bake away in front of an idiot tube.  It’s consume or be consumed in this media landscape, and the “I don’t watch TV” line won’t get you pussy anymore, so we made do with our own version of the boob tube, the Rodney King live performance art series.

A small army of people stood on the road outside the subdivision and watched the police V-2 rockets fall from the sky, decimating craftsman homes with high explosive warheads.  “We’ll wait until the first round finishes up, and then go in and start the looting,” he told me.  “Plenty of furniture and household goods for the taking.  Maybe some guns and ammo, too.  Everyone here’s scared to death of poor people boosting their shit, and have a 9mm in their nightstand.  That’s at least five hundred bucks on the open market, right in the palm of your goddamn hand.”  A kid pulling a red wagon with an Igloo cooler sold beers, slick with ice-water, for five bucks each.  Three for ten.  My supply of bodega-bought Red, White, and Blue exhausted, I bought nine, and watched the explosions.  I hoped for a good VCR, one of those 4-heads with HiFi sound and composite video outputs.

Posted in Uncategorized

Interview at The Lit Pub

I recently sat down with Joseph Michael Owens for an interview for The Lit Pub, although we didn’t actually “sit” – we actually went back and forth in a Google Docs buffer, and ended up with one of my longest interviews ever.  It was a lot of fun, and besides talking about my newest book Thunderbird and my other writing, we wandered off to topics like Hunter Thompson, human cannibalism, nuclear missile silos, Louie CK, and a million other things.

Anyway, go check out the interview over at The Lit Pub:

Posted in Uncategorized