I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke

I’d like to buy the world a Coke.

The Coke will contain High Fructose Corn Syrup, and will be packaged in plastic bottles.

There will not be any Pepsi provided.  Also, no Diet Coke, Coke Light, Mexican Coke, Coke Zero, or any other Coca-Cola products, like Sprite or Fanta.

You must drink your Coke.  This is not an option.

This will start a massive, three-front war, between all of the people who love Coca-Cola more than they love Jesus, the people who think HFCS is worse than napalming babies and having sex with the corpses, and those who have an enduring loyalty to all things Pepsi.

Instead of hippies singing on a mountain top, there will be street fighting, widespread genocide, and the complete collapse of the world economic system.  People will storm military installations, steal jets and helicopters, and drive tanks through cities, shooting depleted uranium shells through buildings to take out enemies.  The whole thing will basically be like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie without all of the product placement for Taco Bell.

The added sugar and acid content will cause the sewer systems of the world to explode, basically like flushing six billion toilets at the same time.  The phosphoric acid will etch away the concrete and metal of the entire planet’s plumbing infrastructure, causing water supplies to fail.  Bacterial infection, sanitary downfall, and drug-resistant viruses will run rampant.

I’ll be hiding in my heavily armed bunker in an undisclosed location in the Colorado mountains.  When the world is beaten and fucked, I’ll contact the aliens and the members of my UFO cult so we can leave behind the waste of this planet.  Also, we’ll bring along enough Coke so we can program their replicators and enjoy intravenous Coke refreshment during the anal probes on our journey to Arcturus X24-7.

That’s the real thing.


Comments are closed.