The TOC to my next book

My next book is not done.  It does not have a title.  It has 41 “stories” and should probably either be cut down to 40 or expanded to 666.  I don’t know.

Everyone seems to like my titles, even though I hate titling pieces.  Maybe I should just do a book of 10,000 titles to stories that don’t exist.

Anyway, here are the tentative titles to the pieces so far.  Maybe one of them will end up being the book title.  I still see a lot of editing to go, so it may be a bit before this sees the light of day.  I also need a cover for it.  Maybe one of you is an artist.  Anyway, titles:

  • The Bigfoot Prophecy
  • Scatman Crothers and the Koo Koo Roo Chicken Game of Dice
  • Red Fucking Lobster Can Suck Cocks In Hell
  • Waldo Whitman and the Piss-Soaked Dungarees
  • The Soviet Missile Strike Versus the Weed Store
  • You Can’t Record Satanic Death Metal On The Flight Data Recorder Of The Jackson 5 Tour Jet
  • The Secret Curse of Fast, Neat, Average
  • Vehicular Handjobs and Pirate Hooks
  • The Long John Silver Vinegar Douche Abortion Attempt Situation
  • The Gold iPhone
  • Transcranial Magnetic Simulation and the Hot Dog Dick
  • Remember the Alamo, Motherfucker
  • The Steak and Shake Satanism Gambit
  • Bearded Women Shitting On Glass Tables Is Sort Of My Thing
  • Hate-Fucking Shrimp Platters on Groundhog Day
  • The Lycanthropic Air Conditioning Folly
  • Yes, Fear the Reaper
  • The Pop Tart PR Fiasco of 1992
  • Necco Wafers Are Not Candy, Motherfucker
  • The Village Voice Hooker Gangbang
  • The Manuel Noriega/Yo Yo Ma UFC Matchup
  • Home Depot Needs To Cut The Shit With Those Self-Checkout Machines
  • The Perkins Declaration
  • Just Because I’m A Pisces Doesn’t Mean I Want To Watch You Eat A Whale Fucker Sandwich
  • Konstanin Chernenko And The Ryder Truck Incident
  • Never Date Someone Obsessed With Phil Collins’ Solo Work
  • Jimi Hendrix And Morphine Is The Start Of A Long Weekend
  • The Clown Train To Chicago
  • Metallica Should Have Become A Boy Band After Cliff Died
  • The Pajitnov Agenda
  • Avoid Brad’s Office
  • The Day Adalai Stevenson Allegedly Killed Dolph Schayes
  • Pieces Of A Lost Interview
  • Breaking The Law At The Pancake Fucker
  • Smoking Suppositories
  • Please Try Your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks
The Traditional And Typical Of Chinese Glonous His
  • Death Metal Taco Bell
  • GG Allin And The James Joyce Conspiracy
  • How Alyssa Milano Can Lower The Value Of An Iranian Car By 80 Percent
  • This Is The End

If you can’t wait for this opus to hit the streets, you need to go buy my other books. OK, back to work.


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