Jolly Firestorm! Merry Holidays! Happy Hanukkah! Festive Birthday of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah! And whatever else I forgot!
This year, to celebrate all of the various holidays and wars on holidays this December, I am extending some very special offers to you readers out there. So please check out these offers, and read the fine print on how to take advantage of them.
1) Buy Any Print Book, Get an E-book Free
If you buy any of my eligible print books (see below for a list), I will send you any one of my eligible e-books, either for the Kindle, or in ePub format for any of your other e-book readers.
That means you could:
- Buy one of my print books, and get a backup copy you can read on your phone.
- Buy a print book as a gift to someone else, and get a book for yourself.
- Check out one of my books in print, and a different one electronically.
- Light one of my print books on fire for warmth as you read the e-book version.
Just send me proof of purchase for the books, and the email address where I should send the e-book and which format you want. (See below for more details.)
2) Buy Any Two Print Books, Get a Third Print Book, Autographed, Free
If you buy any two of my eligible print books, get an autographed eligible print book of your choice for free! I will write whatever you want in the book. Seriously – if you want me to write “JON KONRATH IS A FUCKING IDIOT”, I will write it. I also don’t care if you do something goofy like give away two of my books and then keep the autographed one. Whatever floats your boat.
3) Buy All Five of my Kindle Books, Get a Print Book, Autographed, Free
If you order all five of my eligible Kindle books, I will send you an eligible print book of your choice, signed, and will write whatever you want in the front cover.
4) Buy Twenty Print Books, Get a One-Year Subscription to Hustler
If you any combination of 20 books total from my eligible print books (they make great corporate gifts, provided your company has a lax hostile workplace policy) I will send you a one-year subscription to Hustler Magazine. This includes 13 issues of full-color hard-hitting journalism from first amendment pioneer Larry Flynt. (Note: this offer is not available to individuals in prison.)
5) Buy Forty Print Books, Get a Free Spear Gun
If you order any combination of forty of my eligible print books, I will send you a JBL D6 Spear Gun. This 27-inch carbine spear gun is made out of aircraft-grade 6063 aluminum, with an integrated single-barb tip. It’s perfect for light spearfishing, and is THE accessory for watching Shark Week next August.
6) Buy 150 Print Books, Get a Free iPad Mini and All Kindle Books Free
If you order 150 of my eligible print books I will send you a 16 GB WiFi iPad Mini in your choice of black or white, and then load it with all five of my Kindle books.
7) Buy 120,000 Print Books, Get a Free 2013 Lamborghini Gallardo
We’re talking about the limited-edition 2013 LP-550-2 with the 5.2L V10 putting out 542 HP to the rear wheels. (Note: you are responsible for excise, import, and destination taxes, and any shipping and handling or purchase commission fees.)
The Fine Print
- Only purchases made from today until December 31, 2012 are eligible.
- You can’t combine offers. I am not sending you a car AND an iPad AND a spear gun. When in doubt, please tell me which one you want.
- I promise not to keep your email or postal address or add you to any spam list.
- Offers 2-7 are only valid for domestic US addresses. (Sorry, I can’t send items internationally.)
- It’s not my problem if I mail you a spear gun or pornography and it’s intercepted by your local authorities or a mail inspector.
- I’m also not responsible if Amazon or your credit card company won’t sell you 120,000 books in a single order.
- I reserve the right to end this offer at any time.
- I reserve the right to make substitutions on #7 based on availability.
- This offer is void where prohibited.
The following print books are eligible:
The following Kindle e-books are eligible:
Not included: Everything not listed above, including books I sell on lulu, through any e-book provider other than Amazon, or any anthologies in which I have appeared. Also, this does not include books written by anyone else named Konrath that is not me, Jon Konrath, which should be obvious, but I bet at least one fucking idiot that can’t read complains about this.
How to Participate
- Buy the stuff from Amazon.
- Forward your shipment confirmation email to the address holiday2012 at paragraphline.com.
- Also send an email to that address saying where I should send the books (email for the e-books), what format the e-book should be in (Kindle or ePub), and for the autographed books, exactly what you want me to write in them. Also, if you have any special instructions, like if the book is supposed to be a gift, let me know.
- That’s it! I’ll send you a confirmation email when I send out the stuff.
I hope you all have a great holiday and end of 2012, and I hope to write even more sick and depraved stuff for you to read in 2013!