Questions From An Interview Never Completed

Somehow, I ended up with a URL for someone looking for author interviews, with a questionnaire.  I started filling it out, but had the sudden realization that all of these sites catering to genre writers can go fuck themselves, because I don’t write detective murder mysteries or fifty shades of hunger games bullshit.

(Note that this doesn’t mean I won’t do an interview for your fine publication.  Contact me for details.)

So, for your enjoyment, here are answers to some of the questions.

1) Tell us about yourself.

I had a pretty typical upbringing. I was born on an Air Force base in North Dakota, and then my parents joined a small UFO doomsday cult in Indiana, so I was raised by all of the sister wives at the compound. After the unfortunate ATF misunderstanding, I went to college, studied comparative immunology and East German film studies and wrote a thesis on Slavoj Zizek’s post-structuralism critique of interleukin-6 plasma cell accumulation in lyn-deficient mice and its effect on the Marxist liberation front of Mozambique. Moved to Seattle, got a job writing warning labels for Boeing’s NKC-135 airborne laser system, then later moved to New York and now Oakland, California.

My day job involves writing high-tech instructions that nobody reads, and I spend almost all of my time outside of that either writing fiction, reading obscure medical journals or sending FOIA requests to the government. Recently I’ve been doing civil war re-enactments, but our group does Angolan war of independence re-enactments, which always gets confusing, because you need at least different groups to play the different ethnic divisions, the MPLA, the FNLA, the UNITA, and all of the proxy government players like the Soviets, Cubans, French, CIA insurgents, and so on. I’m also very involved with the up-and-coming fantasy demolition derby movement, and I enjoy cooking.

6) What advice would you give to indie writers?

(Note: I am not an indie writer.)

If you’re the kind of writer that fears surprise attacks from either zombies or political subversives and you keep a high-power handgun taped under your desk, don’t use duct tape. The adhesive will dry out over time and you don’t want a loaded and chambered pistol to drop in your lap while you’re writing. Try gaffer’s tape. It’s more expensive, but it uses a synthetic rubber adhesive, which also won’t leave residue on the gun. Also, look into using the Scrivener software for writing, but definitely get the gaffer’s tape first, because if you have the choice between finding an alternative to Microsoft Word and Plaxico Burressing yourself in the junk, stick with Word and avoid the self-inflicted gunshot wound.

8) What have you done to promote your book?

Aside from KDP and Goodreads giveaways and the usual facebook and twitter spam^H^H^H^H information, I attempted a new form of subliminal advertising.  I have an old college roommate who now works at the Ludovico Institute in an undisclosed location in Europe, where they are currently doing human experimentation involving lucid dreaming as part of a CIA pilot project.  We played a short excerpt from the book plus purchase information, back-masked into cuts from the Judas Priest album “Stained Class” for a group of 500 participants in a sleep study designed to turn normal citizens into retrograde amnesiac killers.  This was largely ineffective, though, and resulted in six unfortunate deaths and irritable bowel disorder in 22% of the participants, so I wouldn’t try this with your own self-published books.

9. What do you enjoy most about writing?

I like creating complex and intricate worlds, places, and characters. And then I like destroying them with rogue nuclear terrorists who are upset that
KFC discontinued a sandwich made out of two pounds of bacon and a brick of lard.

10. What do enjoy least about writing?

I don’t enjoy marketing and selling books as much as writing them. Also, it’s very difficult for me to complete working drafts of books when the people from the CIA keep stealing parts of my computers.

12. What authors have inspired your writing?

My biggest influences as far as conventional writers would be Mark Leyner, Bill Burroughs, Hunter Thompson, Denis Johnson, J.G. Ballard, and Philip K. Dick. I’m also very influenced by obscure 19th century Russian writer and inventor Anton Nikolaev, who penned over a hundred novels in his own a priori constructed language, but was later persecuted for practicing necrophilia. His books are very hard to find, but very inspiring and worth the search.

I did not answer any of the questions pimping out my latest book, Sleep Has No Master, because seriously, fuck that.  Did Captain Beefheart have to explain Trout Mask Replica to a bunch of people that thought The Osmonds were complex music at its finest?

OK, gotta get back on eBay and try to outbid this fucker that keeps knocking me out of this auction on a used heart-lung bypass machine.  This damn thing better be mine when this thing ends at midnight.

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