Rick Astley covered “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”, and that worked out great for him

It’s Superbowl Sunday, and I’m eating some horrible Valentine’s heart candies, the sort that are made out of chalk and say stupid stuff like “be mine” on them, which of course reminds me of the time me and Larry were at this college dance with trays of these candies everywhere, and we proceeded to lick the slogans off and add our own, mostly GG Allin-inspired stuff like “eat my ass” or whatever. Anyway, these candies I have now have Spanish sayings on them – not sure why I bought the Spanish ones; maybe I wanted to feel like I was back in Elkhart. I’ve found that the regular generic Maalox-tasting ones are no longer, and every manufacturer like Willy Wonka or Mars or Smarties have their own versions, and they all taste horrible, even more horrible than the originals. I don’t know if it has to do with a patent dispute or some scam to save 9 cents per 100,000 hearts produced, or if it’s some HFCS switch, but these are largely inedible, and I have nine more boxes of them, which I will probably eat anyway as I watch the Superbowl, provided I actually watch and don’t use the opportunity to go looting.

Okay, time to break kayfabe for a second. As you can tell, I’ve been trying to post more fiction here, and gonzo up the entries a lot, instead of just writing the usual “went to the mall, looked at the Apple Store, spit in the ketchup dispenser at the Hot Dog on a Stick” entries. Part of my idea is that I want to write more stuff in the same style as my book Rumored to Exist. And I want to post some here, but also post more elsewhere in the world, and hang onto some, and eventually roll them all up into a nice book that you all will buy.  And I’m getting there, but I do need help.  I appreciate all of the great comments and all of the new readers, not to mention the loyal folks who have put up with my shit for decades.  But I don’t run ads on here, and I don’t make money on book sales, and this is very much a labor of love.  And like most love-oriented situations in my life, this will involve some begging.  So here is what I am hoping you can do:

  • I really appreciate it when anyone tells a friend about a post they like here.  And I’ve made it easy to do so – look at the little icons and “Share/Save” bar at the bottom of the page.  Click it.  Click it often.  Candy will come out of your screen if you click it.  Seriously, email it to your mom’s friends that forward you pictures of their cats dressed as ballerinas and write in all caps.  Twitter it, or tumble it or stumble it or whatever the hell the rest of those little pictures do. But I am always looking for new sets of eyes on my writing, and the ultimate compliment that I can possibly get is for someone to like a post here enough to tell someone else about it.
  • If you like the writing here, please check out my books, specifically Rumored to Exist, which is the most like what you read here. There are two versions, but the better deal is the annotated version, which is $9.47 here. (If you absolutely want the first edition and/or have to buy crap through Amazon because you are an Amazon whore and get 3 points per dollar you spend there on your Amazon Visa (I know – I am the same way) you can get it there too for $15.95.)
  • And honestly, I don’t care if you buy it or not, just that you read it.  So go read it for free on scribd.com. But if you do read it for free and you like it, please post a link to it somewhere, or tell a friend.
  • If you aren’t following my twitter or a friend on my facebook page, get on it.  You follow me, I follow you, your number of followers go up and you get to overcompensate for whatever anatomic deficiencies you were dealt in this lifetime.  Seriously, Kim Jong Il has like a million twitter followers, and he’s four feet tall in dress shoes, and things are going real fine for him these days.
  • I don’t run a mailing list or email notices on my site.  Should I?  I don’t know, but I’m more of an RSS feed person, and it’s damn easy to drop http://rumored.com/feed/ into your reader and see what’s new there.
  • You see all those links to the right?  They’re all great writers, zines, publishers, and pornography producers who you should really check out.  (Okay, no porn people are on there.  Yet.)  Are you a friend or fellow writer who feels left out because your name and site are not on this glorious blogroll yet?  Link to me, I link to you, you know the drill – get in touch and we’ll do this thing.

Thanks again to everyone who has read and supported me.  I hope to keep doing this, so enjoy, and thanks in advance for helping me with my long-term world domination plans.  There’s always a cushy Secretary of Agriculture position available to whoever retweets the most of my dick jokes out to the world, so keep that in mind as you waste your time at work reading through my stuff.


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