Old press release

Two quick things, as I wait on my Chinese food:

First check out this Bob Simmons article on the ESPN site. Not only is it funny, but it was the SAME WEEKEND we went to Milwaukee, and the SAME BREWERS GAME! Freaky. And most all of his observations were correct.

Second, here’s a press release I wrote a few years ago and tried to send out on PRweb. They didn’t let me run it – I wasn’t even aware they read that shit. I had a half-ass plan to write a fucked up press release a week and pump up my google presence, maybe even sell a damn book or two. Oh well.

Release Date >> June 19, 2004
Headline >> Konrath will kick your damn ass
Summary >> Fiction writer Jon Konrath is pissed off and will knock that stupid grin off your damn face.
Press Release Body >>
New York – Fiction writer Jon Konrath is going to kick your fucking ass, sources close to the author report. He plans to randomly lay the smackdown on at least a dozen people over the next week that probably deserve it.

“I’m sick of this shit,” Konrath said earlier today in a press conference. “If you think you can kick my ass, you’re probably wrong.” When asked who he is going to fight, he replied, “Let’s get something straight. I don’t fight. I win.”

Konrath has been rumored to be building a death machine from a Samsung microwave oven that heats solder to molten temperatures and shoots it at people. He also totally knows martial arts, and has a crossbow. He has discussed dipping the crossbow bolts either in human shit to cause infection, or in a potted pork product, to prevent Muslims from going to heaven.

“He’s absolutely insane,” said one of his coworkers. “It’s not a matter of ‘if’ he will go on a rampage, but ‘when'”

Konrath’s books include _Rumored to Exist_, an apolcalyptic nonlinear novel including scenes of extreme violence, systematic hatred, and brutality. He has also been recently linked to a known terrorist, and has been known to use open source software.


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