New York Omega Man

New York looked like the fucking Omega Man today. Nobody was out on the streets, and a lot of office buildings were locked down for the holiday. I got a whole subway car to myself for part of the way in, which pretty much matched my pissy mood. I don’t entirely want to get into it, but there are times when I feel like I’m the last person alive, which is a bit strange when you’re walking around a city with ten million people in it.

The Las Vegas birthday trip of 2004 is taking shape. It will be me, Bill, Lon, and Jaime, a guy I haven’t met yet. Larry just started a new job, so he’s out. Ray’s a pussy, so he’s out. Todd handed in his pair when he had a kid, so he’s out. We have rooms at the Boardwalk (not in my name, though, since I destroyed the last one) and we have tickets to see Dave Atell and Louis Black at the House of Blues. No idea yet on the car scenario, and I’m vaguely thinking about getting a big suite to hang out in, but they seem to be way more expensive than last time. (Except for at the Sahara, which is like two miles away and has the NASCAR cafe to deal with.)

I’m bored, and I’m too depressed to write. Here’s part of a chapter on diets and food that I was writing for my anti-self help book. Comments welcome.

Most diets reduce a person into a weak, sniveling, calorie-counting excuse for a human being. Any time you go out to eat with a person like this, they cause a huge commotion by requesting food with the sauce on the side, or with no salt, or the meat removed, or something else to hold up the kitchen and guarantees that a line cook is going to take a piss in your soup. They will go on a huge diatribe about carbs and processed food and vegan philosophy any time you come back to the office with a hamburger. They may have a lower body fat percentage and better cholesterol numbers, but they’ve done this at the expense of becoming an annoying prick, and that’s no way to live.

My diet ideas are not about watching your waistline or bulking up your pecs or anything remotely health-conscious. These suggestions are designed to help you live your life and nothing else. We live in a modern world, and you shouldn’t be reduced to watching that fat fuck Emeril reduce some sauces just so you can impress some chick when it’s much easier to call Domino’s and get back to your life. You can eat what you want, drink what you want, and live whatever life you want. Sure, you may die of a coronary at 45, but who wants to live to be an old fuck driving at 35 miles an hour in the left lane, anyway?

Pizza and Beer

This is a simple diet, and the name pretty much describes the whole thing. You eat pizza, you drink beer, and the simplicity of the whole thing leaves you a lot of extra time to place _Grand Theft Auto: Vice City_ or watch porn. The beauty of the diet is that pizza is one food that you can get by calling a delivery place on the phone in almost every civilized place in the world, and you can get the beer from pretty much any grocery or liquor store and stockpile the stuff by the pallet in your kitchen, now that you won’t need it to cook.

As far as the specifics, stick with a basic pizza place, and don’t spend a lot of money on gourmet toppings or other bullshit. They will try to sell you various buffalo wings, chicken kickers, crazy breads, dessert pizzas, and other useless crap at premium prices. Stick to your guns and get the tried and true large pepperoni, maybe with some mushrooms if you’re into that shit. And if you really don’t care, go to the grocery store and pick up a dozen of those frozen pieces of shit for 99 cents each. They’ll taste much better after five or six beers. And about beer, I don’t need to tell you to go for the cheap shit. Don’t be annoying and go for some lite imported hefeweizen that costs twenty bucks for a twelve, and don’t buy PBR or Miller High Life because they’re the new trendy thing with fashionable geeks. Beer is beer, Schlitz is always on sale, and Milwaukee’s Best may taste like cardboard to the uninitiated, but it’s brewed in the same damn vats as MGD and only costs .99 cents a fourty.

The main problem with the pizza and beer diet is that you’ll gain about ten pounds a year, until you drop dead from a heart attack at the age of fifty and they have to cut you out of your house. In the meantime, you will have many interesting and colorful tales of alcoholism as you drive away everyone in your life with violence and aggression. Also, your daily shits will run like water and burn like pipe cleaner, so make sure you have a heavy-duty throne in the reading room.

The Amphetamine Diet

This diet is incredibly simple. For breakfast each day, you cut a yard-long line of bathtub crank on your kitchen counter, and snort all of it at once. When it hits your system, you won’t even think about eating for the next four to six hours. This will save you a lot of money on groceries, although the constant feeling that spiders are crawling on your skin may be a problem for some people. You also may have issues when you start thinking the government is tapping all of your phone calls and your heart rate goes up to about 400 beats per minute. But you’ll quickly drop below a hundred pounds and look like one of those Calvin Klein models.

A steady supply of crank won’t be cheap, but it will cost less than buying ten cases of Atkins bars a week. A good supply can be found via Hell’s Angels, or if you live in the Midwest, you won’t have trouble finding someone with a Meth lab. For those with basic chemistry skills, you can probably find lots of information on brewing amphetamines on the internet.

The Amphetamine Diet is a good combination of total weight loss and antisocial behavior. It’s very easy to melt off fat, and you will have plenty of energy for antagonizing neighbors 24 hours a day from your porch with a sniper rifle. Aside from the delerium, hallucinations, dehabilitating paranoia, and the fact that your heart will probably explode after a few years, it’s an excellent lifestyle suggestion.

The Ray Miller Diet

For this diet, you go to Subway every day, and if anyone else tries to get you to go to another fast-food restaurant, you go on a huge diatribe about how only illegal immigrants work at McDonalds and that Burger King fries are made out of wallboard. There’s no real plus or minus to this diet, I just wanted to put it in here to give my friend Ray Miller some shit for making me eat at Subway every fucking time we went to lunch during college.

There is a Subway diet, where this loser named Jarod (who coincidentally, went to college with me) ate only Subway and lost about 200 pounds. I imagine he also lost all of his friends and family in the process, but they don’t tell you about that in the ads. They also don’t tell you that in order to make this diet work, you have to stick to the shittiest four or five sandwiches there, and avoid putting cheese or mayo on them. The only things worth eating at Subway contain as much fat as about ten of those Jarod sandwiches, but are on the same shitty bread. So steer clear of that urban legend.


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