Lead paint is the breakfast of choice for TV ad executives

I am watching TV, eating a bad hamburger, and doing this at the same time. And let me tell you, TV commercials during Must See TV are as dumb as a kid in an all-lead paint house who eats a hell of a lot of wall candy. Let me bitch about a few of them:

  • There’s a McDonald’s ad that’s heavily ebonified, I think with a slogan like “Livin’ it Large” or “I’m Lovin’ Shit” or something, which is appropriately tacked into the middle of a Friends episode, which has a demographic of like 98% white. That doesn’t entirely bother me, since pretty much no ad runs in a realistic timeframe (like someone watching the history of the machine gun on the History Channel is going to buy a medicated douche. Well, maybe they’d use it to clean out a really dirty gun.) What does piss me off is that the commercial has a really annoying hip-hop song in it with a drum track, and one of the angsty teens in the commercial is playing a set of drumsticks on the dash of a car. WHY THE FUCK DID THE KID HAVE THE DRUMSTICKS IF HE ONLY LIKES RAP MUSIC? They should have showed him programming a Yamaha drum machine or something.
  • There is a commercial every five minutes for this Alicia Silverstone TV show, and while she’s fairly hot, every time I see her, I wonder, WHAT IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT ON HER FOREHEAD? It’s like a freckle or a pimple or a wart or SOMETHING. I want to meet her just so I could fucking scratch it off with my leatherman knife, and then tell her I want to fuck her.
  • The little news “bumper” after each commercial break tonight is saying “Gargantuan earthquake in Japan! Killer Tsunami waves! Are we in danger? News at 11!” FUCK! Just TELL US NOW! I don’t want to have to stay up to find out Godzilla has been awakened or anything. If some rogue, ex-commie state was going to launch all of their missles at Manhattan, they would have a bumper that would say “Nuclear missles, will they rain upon our city? Should you kiss your ass goodbye? We’ll tell you after the game.”
  • Target might be nice, but STOP RUNNING ADS BASED IN NEW YORK ON NEW YORK TV STATIONS! There are no fucking Target stores in New York City! Don’t rub it in that I’ve got to go to a shithole bodega and pay $20 for a six-pack of warm Coke when it’s five bucks a case back in the Indiana Target.
  • I can’t wait until Kelly Clarkson has three bad albums in a row and starts doing porn. (Just an aside.)
  • What’s the deal with Fran Drescher checking out and hanging all over guys old enough to be her sons in that Old Navy ad?
  • That Final Fantasy ad with the wizards online to talk to you on the phone – I thought that was a public access show for a second.

OK, I’m bored of this, and my hamburger’s cold. I’m going to go work on the glossary.


Comments are closed.