The Iraq War actually doesn’t take place in New York

It’s pouring outside, and I’m waiting for my Mexican food.

Everyone keeps asking me about the war, if I feel safe in New York, etc etc etc. I feel very bored about the war, and I think part of it is that the whole anti-war thing has been such a yuppie cause celebre in the last few months, that my gut reaction is to be morbidly pro-war. So when people start with the generic “President Bush is such an idiot” or “I’m ashamed to be an American” rhetoric, I usually tell them that I can’t fucking wait for the pictures of charred babies on alt.tasteless.binaries and that last night I jerked off while watching Platoon.

Face it: many people are anti-war for the same reason they buy Britney Spears records or they think that the movie Chicago is any good, and that is because their friends think the same way. Most people don’t know how the Oil For Food program works, and not many people seem aware that Sadaam has spent billions of dollars building alabaster-floored, marble-walled palaces with multitudes of water fountains and shiny mirrors and elaborate paintings of his ugly mug since the last gulf war. They know that 60,000 kids died of cholera since 1991 because of bad water, but haven’t made the connection that Sadaam and friends in the upper government aren’t drinking the same water. I think what I’m getting at is that you have this huge group of people who know nothing, but love to think they know more than everyone else, and that’s why they need to think that President Bush is an idiot, and why they need to think that playing the bongos and singing John Lennon songs will make it all go away.

We are a society of people that are saying “me me me me” to everything. This war is about how every single person is right and everyone else is wrong. Every pet cause of professional protestors are out to make this their big cause, their Vietnam, their moment to become important. That’s why people want to shut down traffic and stop air force bases and shut down cities: they are the center of the universe. This is all about them. Sure, it’s about babies being killed and oil and whatever else, but it’s about them being the most important thing in the world, because they are the one telling you the slogan you’ve already heard a million times.

And yes, Bush is a liar. But I don’t think he’s an idiot. I do think he got into office without a majority vote, but few Presidents do these days. (Mostly because of the “me me” people trying to vote in whatever idiot Greenpeace wants to vote in as a third candidate, but that’s another rant I’ll get into in 2004.) Politics is a dirty and cruel game, and in order to tell one person the truth and make them happy, you need to lie to ten others. Or rather, you need to tell two different half-truths to get what you need. I know people love to talk about how Bush is a liar and a cheat, and many of them think they could do better, but the truth is, if they got up to the top of that food chain, they would be just as big of a liar. That’s how it works. Saying the President is a liar is like saying a professional wrestler uses steroids: NO SHIT!

So the war goes on, and we’re probably not going to hear much. While CNN and Fox and the others squint at infrared webcams trained on the southern line and a couple of burning oil wells, the Special Forces guys are dressed up like fucking dirt farmers with sniper rifles under their robes, sneaking across the Turkey border and going fucking Rambo on the Republican Guard. Expect some good CIA-grade shit to be dropped in for the Kurds to pick up and fight back with, like some Madsen M50 autos with no serial numbers and a fuckload of Claymores or C-4 with Arabic instruction manuals. We won’t hear shit about any of this for six months, just like Afghanistan. And did anyone even notice we sent in a 1000-man strike force into Afghanistan to take out some bad guys? I bet they had that shit planned for weeks, and wanted to slip it in under the radar. For an army being run by a guy that is allegedly run by an idiot, they really seem to know what the fuck they’re doing.

I had other hopes for the war. First off, they should have picked a better name, like “Operation: Hell on Earth.” Then they should have suspended production of all SUVs and turned the empty shells of Hummer H2s and Ford Explorers into car bombs that could be dropped from the back of a C-130. Then we’d make a first pass that would completely level the country. The second pass would involve exact drops of precision bombs that would dig up the basements of all of the Starbucks, McDonalds, and shopping malls we would be building there. Then the third strike would involve the dumping of hot asphalt from B-52 bombers at low altitude, which would lay a nice base for the highways we would put in there. Gas is very cheap in Iraq, so we want to make sure to get in a lot of good roads so people can drive to their new jobs at the malls and Wal-Mart shopping centers. Then we round up every man, woman, and child, and make them watch every episode of Jackass and tell them that even the wimpiest of American men can endure having his scrotum stapled to his leg, and this is what will happen if they don’t sail straight. Also, the Wal-Marts will have in-store visits from Cathy Lee Gifford, and maybe she will draw any remaining sniper fire.

My food is here. I’m not going to say god bless our troops, because of course there is no god, but I do hope they have the best of luck, both in their fight and in the fight they will endure in their digestive system after eating MREs for a month or two.


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